ah, the sound of incessant sawing. they've gutted the 13 story building behind mine so it looks like they'll be at it for months. i remove my noise canceling headphones to eat, so eating is an irritating ordeal again, as it has been for the past few years of obnoxious construction seemingly everywhere.
i pulled my dusty old record player out so i crank that baby up to mask the noise when i chew or when i want to pretend i'm not living in modern times. i'd prefer a phonograph with a big brass horn, but my shitty crosley will suffice. i wish i had my mom's record collection that i used to bump in her giant speakers when i was a teenager laying on the living room floor. my collection and sound system is pitiful compared to hers. my spotify playlists are thorough but it is not the same. give me nostalgia and amplified vinyl dust and scratches. better yet give me live music.
i am officially no longer lonely and have re-entered that pleasant imaginative natural solitude high which happens when i'm alone for very long periods. thank goddess, because i cannot stand myself when i'm lovesick. alone i feel strong and mentally clearer, and i totally lose that urge to numb myself with alcohol or weed.
maybe i should do something bigger with my life. or just live somewhere else, whenever this pandemic shizz ends. people have told me i should have a podcast because i have a lot of specialized knowledge and have "a nice voice" but i am not good at taking advice and can't do anything unless my heart is 1000% into it. conversely, when i'm excited about something, NOTHING can stop me from doing it. but as soon as i master anything, i want to do something else. i don't know how other adults stick strictly to one career and stay motivated without gouging their eyes out. maybe that's why so many people are grumpy and insane. because we're not allowed to grow and evolve if we act like adults are "supposed to."
i'm totally fine with being thought of as weird, different, or lazy, if it means i am free to be myself and dabble according to my whims and follow my bliss, and prioritize my mental and physical health. because the people who might judge me for not being a clone aren't people i find interesting to talk to anyway. weirdos are the clever ones. we make our own rules, and "society" can go suck my tit if they think we all need to be the same.
i feel that i'm living in the wrong timeline. i have nostalgia for something long before i was born. i want to live in a clay house in deep ancient times and weave. i want to play lyre or finger cymbals in the temple of the Goddess surrounded by oil lamps and incense, or pick saffron with my tiddies out on a mountain overlooking the sea. i want to mingle with enheduanna and sappho and zenobia, in a time when women were high priestesses and queens, and nature was holy and sacred. because seriously fuck this timeline. it's dull and noisy and mechanical and patriarchal and i'm over it. i don't want the latest app, i want to worship trees and see the stars at night and dance at ancient women's festivals like thesmophoria, in which male invaders would lose their limbs, as legend has it.
...yeah, maybe i do need a podcast. but all i really want is a time machine.
1:19 p.m. - 2020-11-09