Yesterday I watched the sun set and stared at the ocean. I was freezing but didn't care. It was so beautiful. I've never seen the beach so poppin in November lol. Parking lots were full for miles and cars lined the highway. People were distancing, but I swear the whole city was there. I found an empty space to kneel on the cliff between a seated woman and a standing man taking pictures. You'd think it was an eclipse or meteor shower the way people gathered to stare at the setting sun. It really was glorious. If you're ever trapped indoors for months consumed by seasonal affective disorder compounded by plague-related anxieties, go watch a sunset. Do it. Five stars. Highly recommend.
My ex came over and fixed all the things that needed fixing. He's so awesome that way. I told him thank you a million times. Just having a human around helped motivate me to do things, like vacuum, and let the rodents out to play (I built them a maze with jenga blocks), and before he left I made pizza for both of us with dough I had in the freezer. We may not live together or have any kind of romance, and he may not have the wittiest conversation or get any of my references, but boy am I glad I married him. He's one of so few people I can truly count on in times like these.
This morning I was reflecting about how when I was young I didn't speak up often, but when I did, my dad and my grandpa really listened. There were a few times when I presented an argument, and they listened, heard me out, slept on it, and then followed my advice because they realized how reasonable it was. Even my mom listened when I stood my ground about something important. I have that ability with others too, and it's funny, since I'm not the type of person who goes around aggressively dishing out unwanted advice, in fact I usually avoid critiquing people at all costs because that would just lead to more resistance anyway, and besides it's none of my business how someone wants to live their life. Maybe that's why they listen. Some people will initially disagree, maybe solely out of ego, but they always come around eventually, and sometimes their change of heart even comes with an apology, if I'm willing to wait a few years for it. People are funny.
I often feel a bit like I'm secretly everyone's parent, quietly watching over them from a distance but being careful not to interfere, unless they're in danger. Always observing and analyzing while attempting to withhold judgment and question myself from outside my ego. Often loving so much more than I convey outwardly, like a guardian angel who genuinely wants you to be happy. I think it's been misinterpreted a lot as naivety, or being overly loyal. I call it emotional maturity and having ethics, and I'll probably continue to be this way forever so, deal with it. :P
9:17 a.m. - 2020-11-22