My poly friend is still seeing her problematic racist boy, so that's gross. I hate that after a decade of friendship, she dates one idiot and my entire view of her changes. I've lost respect, but part of me hangs on because maybe she hates herself and it's some bizarre sexual fetish. It's still gross. Maybe he's less ignorant than last year. But I doubt it.
Lately I'm annoyed by friends who can't be alone for five minutes without a random body to cling to. Especially when I remember when I felt that way vs how I feel alone, knowing the thing I once feared turned out to be the light at the end of the tunnel. Having freed myself, now I look behind me and see many friends still torturing themselves in deep dramatic depressions for no reason, and I wish they would try being alone just once, even if only for a couple months to rest along their journey. It clears one's head. It's better over here. And to be honest I'm tired of them heaping their problems on me, always needing me to come to their emotional rescue. I'm the last person who should be judging anyone's dysfunctional relationships, but that's precisely why I hate watching them suffer something so familiar.
I'm waking up at 7 now. I've been listening to lotssss of music. Every few days I pick up a new obsession and roll with it until I'm satisfied and then I'm on to the next pleasant distraction. I become fully focused and forget that talking to people is an option. So when they text me about their loneliness I'm not on the same page because I've been floating in daydreams and inner conversations all day. Then I'm like, oh! People exist? How novel.
My healthy friends are hiding out in homemade off grid yurts, or have gone offline, or have buried themselves in creative projects. I'm bad at initiating conversations, especially when I assume that my fellow introverts might just wanna be left alone right now. My dad has fallen silent, and I'm not sure whether I should check on him or if he wants to suffer alone. I also kind of want to avoid the barrage of angry complaints about life I'll get an earful of from him and his wife if I do call. Maybe his lack of contact lately is his way of protecting me from his misery. Because he always starts off his venting sessions with an apology. Maybe he's depressed and has realized his wife or his life choices aren't as cool as he initially thought. We've all been forced to live with whatever decisions we made prior to covid. It's interesting to look around and see where time froze for everyone, and which things they previously took for granted. I think the workaholics have had the hardest time adapting to stillness and presence within themselves.
I'm doing good now, but I don't know what I'll do after covid, when all the pressures return to work ourselves to death, to be the life of the party, to look pretty, to say no to dates without the handy excuse of a pandemic...
I'm grateful for this rare opportunity to cocoon in peace and contemplate all possibilities, at my own comfortable pace.
7:39 a.m. - 2020-12-12