I still weave in and out of residual anger at being abandoned by him after letting him in again, abandoned in a pandemic by the person I didn't have to help, but did, even though it meant walking on eggshells and letting him eat up all my resources with such entitlement. Funny that after all I've been through and witnessed, I still find it challenging to comprehend that bad people exist. That someone can say they love you, and exploit you in the same breath, and then leave you and blame you for it. Until they apologize -- when they need something again.
Obviously his abandonment was a blessing. But the way it makes me lose faith in humanity is what troubles me. To think that people will actually do that. It's disheartening. It made me closed off, when I used to be so warm and open and generous. But my eyes are wide open now. I don't like being so suspicious and judgy and cautious now. But I'll be damned if I let it happen again.
I think I've just about forgiven myself for giving my best to someone so deeply unworthy. He didn't follow through on his therapy appointment like he said he would. He is still giving me the run around about picking up his junk, even though he lives 2 blocks away. Earlier this week he said he can't until friday, and I know he only works weekends, so it seems he has lots of parties to attend, or someone taking up all his time, or he's just messing with me to be a dick. I'm done being patient. It's all going into the trash today. He had since September. It's not my problem anymore. I'm not entering the new year with his baggage in my sanctuary. I don't want to permit any reasons to complain about him, spilling into 2021. Solstice was my personal deadline, my boundaries. I am flinging this broken record out the window.
I couldn't figure out how to block his infuriatingly unblockable number, but I figured out how to hide all unknown senders in a separate folder so I won't see his surprise texts invading the top of my text list all the time. I deleted whatsapp, even though I used it to communicate with family, because he kept using it to show up under new numbers every couple months. Other than fleeing the country, I'm not sure what more I can do.
Hopefully he won't show up at my door like in the past, bloody from fights and coked out and drunk beyond belief. It's on me now to resist all his lies and promises that he will bombard me with in the year to come, no matter how much I want to believe him, no matter how much I want to forgive and forget, no matter how lonely or isolated I may become. I refuse to fill the space he left with another opportunistic man. I refuse to let this defeat me and I will protect myself at all costs, no matter how difficult is gets.
"He has turned that temple, whose attractions were inexhaustible, whose beauty was endless, into a destroyed temple. While he entered before me as if he was a partner, really he approached out of envy. My good divine wild cow, drive out the man!"
- The Exaltation of Inanna, first hymn in the world by the first author in world history, High Priestess Enheduanna, c. 2300 B.C.E.
10:15 a.m. - 2020-12-24