It's a little annoying to me, how many people drop out of my life when they realize I'm not going to have sex with them. Like that's the only reason they were talking to me in the first place and didn't care about knowing me in any other way, other than my body parts. Like I'm only something to conquer.
I told the sober guy that I'm not like I used to be... so it seems he changed his mind about wanting to see me and cooking me dinner. Maybe he felt like he was bugging me, or met someone else, or I made him depressed. Meh whatever.
The Alcoholic (aren't you sick of hearing about him?!) yet again texted he'd pick up his stuff yesterday and then never followed up, as expected. File under: when the erratic becomes predictable.
I poured all my love out to friends the other day and received lots of love in return by people who were touched and it made me feel appreciated. I sensed we're all pretty anxious and depressed about politics and thought I'd share something loving, because it's something I'd like to see more of, and it takes a little strength when everything is bad, but if not me who, right? (To quote Hillel.) It's not much but I try in my small ways to keep people in my life from giving up, which I think is pretty easy to want to do these days. I have a role in the emotional contagion potential of social media. I try to post responsibly keeping in mind the psychological fragility of people. (I feel bad for anyone who reads my diary rants when I'm feeling horrible though -- sorry. This is my only outlet for that.) But when I have strength, I feel like I have a responsibility to take advantage of positive energy and push it outward so that it can hopefully have a ripple effect.
I could just keep my strong moments to myself, and sometimes I do, but I feel better when I can be any sort of positive influence, even if all I can do is make someone half smile for a couple seconds. It doubles my good mood.
It's also a protective balm I guess. Because if I'm all love and light it makes it harder for people to hurl hate at me, and if they do I can't take it too personally knowing that I gave my best and honored my own personal ethics regardless of what others might do. Like what are they gonna say? "She's too nice. Fuck her!" Lol.
I think that actually happened before, and I'm glad I didn't lower myself to win their approval. I'm grateful I don't have whatever sort of emotional scars or weakness caused a warped value system where kindness or gentleness or diplomacy are seen as the enemy.
I'm grateful to be back to my weekly pre-weekend cleaning ritual. I have a shit ton of meals to prepare from all the food I ordered before it goes bad. I'll probably do some of that today. Mundane news, but I appreciate the mundane now. Few things in the world make sense, but everything under my own roof is in good working order.
1:07 p.m. - 2021-01-12