Aaaand it's crying day. It's been awhile since I did that anyway. May as well get it out. Yep definitely ovulating.
All I can think this morning is that I miss childhood, when I had many more good people around and healthy activities to do, and an abundance of fresh air to breathe and wilderness to explore. And a mom to hug. Oh my Goddess I would do anything for one hug from my mom right now. To experience being comforted again, like when I was 12 going on 13 and was crying explaining to her that I was scared of growing up and leaving childhood behind, and she held me while I cried. Can I have that back for just a few minutes?
I also keep thinking thoughts like 'I wish I was hiking in the forest with the Alcoholic again. I wish we were on a road trip again. I wish we were in a jacuzzi under a tree. I wish we were hugging. I wish he was carrying a bag of takeout from my favorite neighborhood places and dishing it out into bowls for us. I wish he was telling me about his day...'
The thing about him that I like, is he's hands down the very best person to be outdoors in nature with. Although he was raised in a different country, he had a very similar childhood as mine in that we spent our childhoods exploring nature. When I go outdoors with other people they act like they never went outside before and interact with it like it's a total stranger and it's weird to me, to treat nature as such a foreign unfamiliar thing.
Maybe I am lonely, without wanting to consciously recognize it, and this is how it's manifesting?
I miss conversations. And drinking in a dark bar. And swimming. And walking into a restaurant on a whim. And festivals. And live music. And hugging people omg I want covid to end culminating in a massive worldwide group hug.
Just for reference, in case I'm making no sense right now, I have been awake several hours but am currently functioning on double my usual weed + double my usual coffees, without breakfast, while on an ovulation hormone dip. (Which will hopefully become less dramatic soon now that I'm taking vitex again.) But I succeeded in taking a bath and brushing my bangs, for no one.
I feel a lot better now. Also I picked up the phone and just friggen called the Alcoholic, cause I'm me. It was a short conversation about nothing but I guess it calmed me down. I think he really is working a lot and depressed, and his selfish ways are not about me. I don't want to be on bad terms because even though he's an asshole, he's my asshole even if I never see him again, I'll still remember the good times, and we've had a lot...
My love life feels so wobbly, it feels like playing jenga with myself. That is actually a perfect metaphor. I'm still standing but now I have all these holes in me and every time something shifts it grows, but at the risk of destruction.
12:51 p.m. - 2021-01-17