"Since they're particular about the people they choose to date, it can be extra hard on them when the person they thought they loved breaks their heart." - random astrology website
My feelings are so fleeting with people now. I need someone who's on the same page to make me feel something for longer than 48 hours and I can't seem to find that. I keep bouncing between thoughts of buying a nice house with my ex and having a stable yet sexless life (since it seems like I don't trust anyone else), or, staying mostly alone with occasional blips and shards of romance to feel alive while still maintaining relative freedom, like I've been doing. Or, just being a hermit cat lady spinster might be healthy. I don't know.
I wish I still got as excited about sex as everyone else seems to. Although that'd probably just increase my suffering since I am a woman with an actual heart and not fulfilled by surface relationships which to me are super boring and soulfully/intellectually vanilla. I might really enjoy sex if it was paired with some depth and imagination! I am sapiosexual and I am tired of the emotionally/intellectually vanilla! Show me something worth shaving for goddamnit, I'm so underwhelmed.
If only I was a little better at being poly I could find satisfaction by getting at least one thing from all these one-note sambas in the world. I wish people were less really-good-at-only-one-thing and more interesting and capable at a wide variety of things. Maybe I'm too demanding, but I'm tired of feeling like there's a deficit in all my relationships where I give more than I receive and my brain feels like it's rotting from lack of meaningful interaction. Do I not deserve reciprocation if I'm going to be wasting all my time and energy giving someone else pleasure? Finding people who want sex is eeeeeeasy. Finding someone with an actual personality is harder.
Dimming my brain cells with weed seems to make me more broadly compatible with men I otherwise find annoying. D:
I read a study a long time ago about how the higher a woman's education level, the less fulfilling she'll find her relationship with a man of a lower education level, whereas it made no difference for men. This feels correct in my experience.
10:49 a.m. - 2021-01-17