I think I do best when I'm either socializing consistently with a wide variety of people in small doses, or speaking to no one at all for a long period. Being emotionally invested in just one or two people, while it may be my natural inclination, doesn't work so well when that one or two people handle stress by shutting down without warning. All these sudden stops and starts is like trying to drink from a cup while riding in a car with the idle turned up too high and a brake that's too sensitive, or riding behind a car that keeps slamming on its brakes on a one lane road. It's better to find an empty road with no one one it, or use the freeway so you can easily change lanes when someone drives bad. (Or, caravan with people who drive better! Or don't drive at all...)
I feel like my battery recharged with my exercise and sunshine hike yesterday. I was running on empty for a long time and desperately needed a change of scenery from my walls. Today I feel more motivated and calm and hopeful. Political anxiety and winter depression has subsided, for now at least. Gotta keep this good momentum going.
Grateful for the sunshine pouring in my windows right now, even though hundreds of neighbors can see me living in my box and typing this. One neighbor is sunning himself on his fire escape while reading a book. Now and then I see a shadow walk past their window like a ghost.
The Alcoholic admitted he has been an asshole. He's working two jobs because his roommate became paranoid that he was being followed, to the point where he made him accompany him to the police station without evidence other than paranoia, and then one day he disappeared altogether. So, funny enough, the Alcoholic has been texting and calling for days to his unresponsive vanished roommate. As he complained about his friend's erratic disappearance, I reminded him he did the same thing to me... *cough* hypocrite *cough*
Oh, humans.
I'm going to try to dance and cook and be productive today since I am on my third cup of caffeine and am feeling somewhat energized from yesterday, and about inauguration! I'm more excited than anxious now. I'm ready for anything, but I think everything will be okay. I am strangely optimistic. I haven't felt this optimistic in over four years...
I have so many questions and very few answers about how I'd like to spend the next several years of my life. But I'm okay with that. It's a good time for deep contemplation.
12:05 p.m. - 2021-01-19