After struggling to help my perma-depressed male friend for most of yesterday, I accidentally let slip that I was doing better this year than previous years. He asked "Oh wow, what do you think was causing it? Just not relying on others to do your internal work?"
He said this, literally right after I'd put aside my entire day to do his internal work for him. I think he was just unintentionally projecting, because he always demands emotional labor from others, so he assumes I do that too. I only do that to my diary, bruh.
It's odd how the men who complain to me about loneliness are the ones who don't live alone. They live with their parents. I live alone. Three different men, all who live with their parents, are among the most annoying of the bunch of men always seeking free therapy in me. They already have mommies! Talk about needy.
New priority: I need to stop being nice and weed out all these men holding me back. I've given all of my best but they never change. So I need to institute boundaries. Starting today I'll let everyone know I'm on a digital cleanse. The repeat offenders will be blocked so that they can't disturb my peace. Then I can finally have time for myself, and for better quality people who can carry their own emotional weight.
I've been toying with the idea of moving in with my ex and playing married just so other men will leave me alone. It's extreme but I'm at my wits end and running out of ideas. He's also the best male I know and we've openly discussed arrangements like this before.
Or, I can continue living alone so I'll never feel trapped, but spend a lot of energy being constantly vigilant with boundaries. It's a trade-off.
8:01 a.m. - 2021-01-29