I asked my ex if I am different now than I was years ago. He said I've had more traumas now but that I'm not really different.
Did some self reflecting and started contemplating whether I was more traumatized in the past, because looking back, I used to be way more emotionally reactive, because I was young and inexperienced. I remember not fighting much or having problems often, but when I did, I'd have breakdowns that were a bit much, in retrospect. How embarrassing I was in my twenties sometimes.
I was still processing my friend's suicides, and hadn't yet created healthy boundaries with my mom, and didn't have a lot of support outside of my relationship, but I did well, considering. I was poor, but my life was very stable, and I was very happy in my long term relationship.
Later circumstances led me to escape into a world very different than the one I'd just emerged from. I had so much fun for several years, but also met many more traumas, until I felt like I'd absolutely broken. I reached my limit. I was exhausted. That's the turning point.
I got therapy, quit substances, finally started meditating, fell in love with solitude, started actually doing yoga every day and cooking just for myself, and gratitude journaling. So maybe I've had more traumas in more recent history, but I taught myself coping skills, so when I feel bad it doesn't feel like the end of the world anymore. Or maybe I became jaded and slightly numb?
The more time passes the more I think I am done dating and would rather either be alone, or married again to my ex in a sexless stable bond of deep friendship. Alone feels safe for now. I shouldn't think too much about the future. One day at a time. No rush. No stress.
4:50 p.m. - 2021-01-31