I video chatted four humans total yesterday and now I feel very tired, demotivated, and a little annoyed that I wasn't able to do that without the assistance of a glass of wine and an edible. I feel like I truly have too much discomfort to be able to communicate sober with my own friends. I hadn't seen three of them for an entire year so it's as if I'm meeting them all over again, with the awkward layer of technology adding to the strangeness and mild discomfort. Something about all that "socializing" made me stay awake much later than I should have, and I woke up feeling like shit, with a confusing jumble of other people's thoughts in my head, and very sore leg muscles from all the dancing yesterday.
I'm so good at socializing so it's weird that I should find it so tiring. But it requires a lot of energy being constantly aware of how other people feel, making other people comfortable, making sure to listen well and remembering to validate them and at the same time being self aware enough to remember to smile warmly and a lot and try not to do any resting bitch faces that might be misunderstood, and make sure to say all the right words... I'm an introvert, and no matter how much I love people, it's exhausting work to express it outwardly and share intimate details of my life.
My friend said she'll pay me for doing a creative music video for her. Money's great and all but I feel strange about her paying me. She's something of a workaholic, a very driven type A type who wants to stop doing art as a hobby and start taking it seriously as a career, which I totally support. I have mixed feelings about that for myself though. I did art for money for a number of years but the quest for money and success sucked the pleasure out of something I once loved. I find a lot more value in the meaningful now. I don't seek outside validation very much these days. On the other hand, I do think it's important, especially for women, to be paid for our work.
It's frustrating to have a full hour to talk with a fellow educated and creative person, only to be unable to really convey all the things I'd like to share, philosophy and all the thoughts I have throughout life that would be so nice to connect on. But no amount of words can quite scratch the surface. This is why I chose art to begin with, as a method for an introvert to express outwardly without the use of words.
I plan to nap today to catch up on all the lost sleep last night. I need to work up the energy to cook, and eat more to put back nutrition that all this exercise and human interaction is taking out. Grateful that friends have patience with my secret inner struggles to talk, grateful for this coffee, grateful for the warm bath I'm about to take, and for the fascinating adventure that is the human experience. Maybe I should try relaxing into it more and stop trying so hard and overthinking everything. Look at me overthinking about overthinking. Hahaha.
8:08 a.m. - 2021-02-19