Men sure like to text me very late at night. I sleep at 9 but peak male texting hours are between midnight and 5 am when my phone is on night mode and I'm guaranteed not to see it. Originally this was my reason for changing my sleep schedule. I just wanted to be awake whenever I could have some peace. Now morning is my favorite time of day. No noise. No texts. Quiet time just for myself.
All my soreness is gone so I can dance again today. I need to get better at recognizing my limits, physically, and sometimes emotionally too. I just get so focused sometimes that it can be hard to pause, especially now that there aren't many distractions and no one to tell me when I need to take a break.
My friend went from being horny for every man on earth to now saying she won't date bi women and will only date women who "know what they want." Because bi women don't? (Sounds like biphobia, and self hating.) She's probably projecting her own dating confusion onto bi women (like herself), or she mistook one bi woman's disinterest as the fault of bisexuality rather than acknowledging the possibility that maybe she just didn't feel a connection with her. Bi women are not confused. Bi women recognize that sexuality can be fluid over a lifetime.
Probably many people think that I don't know what I want because it takes a long ass time for me to form a bond with someone, to let feelings develop, to feel safe. I can't do short term dating the way my friend does. (How "sure" can one be really, if you're throwing your body at people on a temporary basis before changing your mind and deciding to date someone else five minutes later? People can sense if you're not in it for the long haul.) I may have appeared wishy washy with women crushes before, not because I wasn't attracted to them, but because they exhibited traits that made me nervous (like being sadistic and into needle-play, or having a mental illness I'd rather not get tangled up with.) I get scared when anyone approaches me too aggressively or is hyper sexual when I'm just trying to find out who their favorite authors are. Not everyone is a match, bi, lesbian, straight, or anything else. Humans are a spectrum damnit. Not everything is black and white.
The sun has just made its appearance in my window so I'm going to lay in it's healing rays and meditate for patience for all the humans in my life.
8:12 a.m. - 2021-02-21