A specific memory that keep circling in my mind :
When my indigenous immigrant boyfriend of 7 years expressed gratitude to me for "never saying anything stupid." (Meaning never saying anything racist.) It was meant to be a compliment but I was so hurt by it because I am the same race as him except lighter, so what it meant was: 'Despite knowing your family and everyone where you were raised is brown, I can't see past your skin color and I view you as whitewashed and therefore I assumed you'd be stupid.' It was backhanded, although unintentional.
When we started dating he often said I was "too white." It made me cry, since I'd heard that sort of thing all my life. He later said he meant to say "so white" or "very white" and that he didn't know English well enough. Either way, I never drew so much attention to his skin. It was weird. In the same way it feels awkward when men say they "like asians." It sounds creepy and fetishy, you know? Like, they like a specific asian or? They just like the concept rather than the actual person or?
And the latino boyfriend before him who cringefully said "Every spick loves a white girl."
And S, who asked me if I like "race play."
And the white boyfriend who called me a gypsy in Spanish but said it wrong. And all the white men who have called me exotic or asked where I'm from or told me I look like I have an accent, which I do not.
Then there's all the explaining required on Christian holidays, even to so-called atheists ...
I'll just slam my head into a brick wall, it's better than dating men.
It's hard for anyone to date, but it's extra hard if you're mixed. Trust me, I'd date 'my own kind' if I could find my mix anywhere! But I'm 40 and traveled the world and after all the people I've met in my melting pot metropolis I only managed to find a handful of what might vaguely count as culturally similar, who didn't match for other reasons.
Good thing I'm not afraid of being alone.
10:39 a.m. - 2021-03-22