I woke up to the sound of loud machinery and my cat protesting by ripping at my sheets and my other animals growling at the construction noise. So I had weed before I had breakfast.
I remembered how the Alcoholic ignored the sexy photo I sent and hadn't texted several days in a row after sounding excited about getting vaccinated and sending me a romantic song and there was even hope that he could pick up the remainder of things that have been taking up space in my cabinets, drawers, hallway and closet for a whole year.
A trip to the bathroom revealed I was finally bleeding -- the day my dad said he's coming. Also my time-sensitive package has decided to arrive today instead of tomorrow, by exactly the same time my dad will be here. And I don't have a car because my ex is borrowing it.
Clusters of sirens have interrupted twice while writing this.
I've already cried today, mostly just in disappointment at how inconsiderate half my loved ones are and wondering if it's normal to have felt so much better without them during quarantine. That can't be right. I should be missing them. Absence is supposed to make the heart grow fonder, not be grateful they're gone.
Physically everything hurts today.
Every few minutes I get another spam call or spam message.
I used to cry and feel very anxious when my abusive ex would vanish or when I discovered he'd lied. So when the next boyfriend did the same and I was no longer geographically isolated, I tried to switch it up so instead of feeling sorry for myself I'd put on lipstick and go out, anywhere with music or a bar where I knew some familiar faces who would make me feel welcomed and wanted, to soften the feelings of being abandoned or ignored again. Because why should I suffer? Why give him that satisfaction? Why give him that control?
Maybe a girl was in his room again, a thing I've discovered about three different men I've dated, and twice I have been the other woman while a man manipulated me into believing he was single, simultaneously manipulating the woman he was married to or seeing into believing he was faithful.
Obviously trusting a man again isn't going to happen since more often than not men have betrayed me, and the other poor women dragged into each nightmare. So, I gave up and became the monster they taught me to be. I quit trying to persuade them to be good people. I got dressed and got the attention I needed elsewhere, with other men, and women. May as well while they're off lying to other women. I did it a little differently though. I've refused to be in a relationship or have any contracts with a man, having seen how that always ends up with me betrayed, depleted and resentful, no matter how equal or loving things may appear in the beginning.
Covid ended the dating circus, which was a relief. But now I'm toying with the idea of being a fuckgirl again. There's not much in it for me honestly, but it passes the time. I look forward to death, to the end of this enormous waste of time with men I pretend are interesting and smart, and pretend are good in bed, while they pretend they love me and pretend they aren't fucking everyone else in town. It's free theater. Enjoy the show.
Third set of sirens now. It's not even noon yet.
9:58 a.m. - 2021-03-26