It's been hard getting certain friends to understand why I still can't throw caution to the wind and do things in public indoor spaces. I explain that my dad isn't vaccinated, and that I'm not fully vaccinated, and then we go through the inevitable questions of why my second dose is on hold for now, because my doctor wisely persuaded me that my rare but severe reaction is a warning I should pay attention to, despite what the selfish ones think. I've distanced myself from the less understanding rigidly un-empathetic ones and pretty much only talk with the people in my life who aren't dismissive of my experience and who don't make me feel uncomfortable. My dad is the only non vaccinated person I see, because he's obviously important. I only see six people total in person because they are the only ones who actually listen and are on the same level of conscientiousness, and all but my dad are fully vaccinated and low risk.
I hate how people don't listen to women when we talk about our bodies. We're in our bodies, I'd think we know better than any outsider what's going on with things like pain level, our periods, pregnancy, makeup, damn near everything. They may not say so outright but I get the vibe that some people don't believe me, simply because it didn't happen to them. Do they not realize that I wanted to be fully vaccinated? That I'm not republican? That I WANT everyone to be vaccinated -- in fact my life may depend on it since I can't, and we're not really sure why my reaction was so strong? Or maybe my immune system is overactive and the vaccine was MORE effective on me and that's why recovery took so long and shut down my reproductive system for going on two months. I don't know. My doctor doesn't know. No one knows. And the pushy ones who think they know everything, especially do not know. But it's 2021 and no one stays in their lane.
At least my close inner circle understands and is on the same page with me and doesn't force me into situations that make me uncomfortable and put me at risk. It's good to have some support. I guess this is the final test of friendships in this stage of pandemic. The final round lets me know who the real-real keepers are. I'm grateful I have a handful of people in my life who get it. I'm just surprised at how many people don't, even after I wasted my breath explaining everything to them. Maybe it's just a reflection of their own insecurities. Maybe they only feel secure if everyone is exactly the same as them. Maybe it gives them a sense of control to force unwanted advice and delude themselves into believing they have more expertise than a doctor. Maybe it is the only thing holding their fragile egos together. Maybe they just wanna see me so much that they don't want to hear the truth. Like children who love, but haven't developed emotionally enough yet to know they're not the center of the universe.
Today's affirmation:
I menstruate
I am grateful for:
hugs, music, stability, my age, my ancestors, my body, my hair, people who listen and love without resistance and ego, nature, trees, sweet smelling herbs, good food, clean home, and summer!
The person I am becoming will experience more:
fun
I have an opportunity to be my future self today when I:
practice acceptance and gratitude.
8:28 p.m. - 2021-06-05