Woke up around sunrise for the first time in awhile. I'm tired and might go back to sleep after this coffee.
I miss when things felt reasonably stable. They are now, kind of, but, I miss feeling stable enough to do all the extracurricular activities I used to do in school without overthinking or becoming exhausted. And remember how I managed to get those degrees? And just, do things I enjoyed without it feeling like an uphill battle?
I had glimpses of that again throughout pandemic, briefly thriving without the weight of ignorant criticisms and misplaced envies. I was surprised a few years back when in the thick of my deepest depression and grief, my friend categorized me as "happy people."
During that time I felt like a magnet for snide little put downs, just for being able to hold a smile for certain evenings when I needed to show up to support them. I tried so hard to function through an abusive relationship, only to be treated like sexual competition when I tried to escape into female friendships for support. Amid a slew of other fascist spirit killing advice, my ex friend once told me: "The nail that stands out will be hammered down."
Here's a quote I find a bit more intellectually advanced:
"I suppose it is tempting, if the only tool you have is a hammer, to treat everything as if it were a nail."
And also:
"Give a boy a hammer and chisel; show him how to use them; at once he begins to hack the doorposts, to take off the corners of shutter and window frames, until you teach him a better use for them, and how to keep his activity within bounds."
So that's how I feel about that. Haters are just kids with hammers who were probably hammered down themselves before they were old enough to think for themselves and obviously have no idea what they are doing.
Speaking of which, unlearning is just as important than learning. I hope to unlearn and let go of every hurt that has been thrust at me by others who have been hurt. And the ways I hurt myself too.
Grateful today for the sunrise, for clean perfumed pillowcases, and for my continued efforts to maintain good character and ethics in the face of challenges that life inevitably brings. There's no reward for it other than the inner confidence it gives. Maybe that's why I never break completely. Maybe it's that deep quiet inner confidence and authenticity that insecure haters view as a threat. It's only my spirit, refusing to bow to the darkness. No hater has the power to degrade a soul that knows itself. Hammers are useless in the realm of spirit, swinging through the air at nothing like fools.
Don't be a hammer. Be a soul.
7:24 a.m. - 2021-07-04