I've been verbally constipated for a long time. I don't say things (except in this diary) because I'm too tired, because times I've said things before I was shut down or gaslighted or physically assaulted. It's been very drilled into my consciousness that expressing anything could open myself up to bullying, so why bother. Best to avoid drama.
So I've withdrawn instead. Dulled my mind with substances. Anything to avoid being misunderstood yet again by people who can't imagine different experiences than their own. Easier to be alone than to feel alone with someone who lacks insight or empathy.
But yesterday I shared my perspective (online, to friends). And it was met with total understanding and empathy. I felt soothed and comforted and heard by the right people. By the people who I like. As a result my physical anxiety dissipated like magic, and I slept well and had good dreams.
I took a stand, in my own small and seemingly insignificant way. I was honest. I didn't shy away from admitting that some days are an uphill battle. I allowed myself to be comforted, realizing that maybe I don't often let my guard down enough to allow that healing process to occur. I'm so used to being the one doing the comforting and trying to save everyone else. Well some days the healer needs healing too.
Today I feel loved and appreciated and understood and grateful. I'm glad I finally said something.
I'm not surrounded by erratic people like before pandemic. I've learned boundaries. I'm proud of myself. I no longer gulp handfuls of edibles to suffer the companionship of people who clearly made me uncomfortable.
Instead, I now reach out to people who are good for me. Such a stupid thing to not have done before! But I was grieving hard and reaching for short term escapes in any form, even if it meant hurting myself in the process. The pain was so unbearable then. I survived it and I'm stronger and wiser now.
So today I'll say I'm grateful for friends. Including friends who showed me grace even when I wasn't always there for them this year. That really means something to me, and tells me I may have previously underestimated the strength of their character. I see an altruistic side of them that I didn't notice before, and it humbles me and inspires me.
10:17 a.m. - 2021-08-03