Still trying to wrap my head around the long bizarre love letter. It's odd knowing I've been watched all this time.
I keep wondering how she perceived my activity on spotify and tumblr to be some sort of secret communication to her. Why would I passively send secret messages (for ten years!)? When I love someone I tell them directly, because I am not a teenager.
There's a lot of hurdles she delusionally believes I'll jump in order to live out her romantic fantasy. Firstly, I'd have to have a libido (lol) and want a romantic sexual relationship. With someone who couldn't even handle me as an acquaintance! During a pandemic. Someone who angrily stormed out of my life because I said I seek friendship, not dates. It wasn't even personal. I just don't have sexual motives.
But now that she dramatically demonstrated that all she ever cared about was getting in my pants, and how little she valued me otherwise... Now she's made herself, specifically, undesirable to me, even as an acquaintance.
I don't get why it's so hard for people to just be my friend without needing to sexually conquer me. Lesbians even! It hurts my feelings that all their emotion is focused on my peepee, an ordinary body part that half the population has. How about my brain maybe? Can we be interested in that? Can we romanticize my gift of friendship? My personality maybe? My soul? I'm tired of people thinking that telling me I'm attractive is all it takes. Wow thanks, but I'm deeper than that, and if you want to date me, you'll need to have some depth too. Attraction is superficial and not a foundation for any healthy bond, unless all you want is a fuck buddy. Been there done that and no thanks.
If you can't even stick around long enough to establish a friendship with me first, you won't get close enough to ever see my sexual side. Well what little of it remains after being treated like this my whole life. Something about being yelled at by people who are only interested in dominating me makes me not very interested in sex, I don't know.
10:12 a.m. - 2021-09-17