Meditated in a long salt bath and read my book. Had more weed than usual today due to my dad's losing it. Taking it very easy on myself for the rest of the evening. Reminding myself that his tantrum is not a reflection of me, that his declined mental health isn't my fault, that he is a grown man, who is old enough to know how to control his emotions and care about others' feelings, and it's not my job to endure suffering for his comfort no matter how much he berated me today in his bizarre tirade.
I can see how my mom went crazy being married to him.
I worry for everyone's mental health. But I need to worry about my own now. I really can't be everyone's punching bag or therapist anymore.
I was doing pretty okay, bopping along. But that's life. I can control myself and coddle everyone's extremely fragile mental states with all my powers of diplomacy but I can't control how anyone else chooses to behave. That part is on them.
I can clearly see the family dynamic that developed my powers of diplomacy...
Dear Self, I love you. Don't take his hate personal. I understand you're hurt and shocked. Just keep truckin. Don't worry about the whys, he took his problems out on you, and it's healthy and normal to not want to be verbally abused. My goodness. Why do I always have to be the adult in my family. You're doing your best and despite it all, you're not a bitter angry hater, and that's a good thing! Hate is bad. Don't make anyone shame you for not being an asshole. No need to doubt yourself hon. Keep loving and LOVE EVEN HARDER.
7:20 p.m. - 2021-10-09