I read all 1020 pages of Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bancroft many years ago after escaping a domestic violence situation. I'm re-reading it today and discovering an awful lot of revelations and red flags about my dad, moreso about his treatment of my mom than his treatment of me. I made so many excuses for my dad that I feel just as much to blame for living in a false reality as he has.
It gives me clarity about how I ended up in abusive relationships, although I wonder if that doesn't just make me yet another woman blaming herself, rather than putting responsibility on the man for doing the abusing.
My male friend once said outright that societally men are raised to be abusive toward women in all sorts of ways, that it's normalized and accepted. He said it in a way that acknowledged there is no escape from abuse for women because it's so ingrained in the collective psyche, everywhere, all the time. (This is coming from the same man who asked me why women don't like being catcalled.) But I think he is right. We are all survivors of deeply rooted systemic trauma on every level in every facet of our lives.
Abuse isn't always physical. Sometimes it doesn't involve yelling. Sometimes it's polite manipulation. Sometimes it's subtle but lasts for years, slowly belittling one's self esteem, or identity..
So many men are abusive without even consciously realizing it. Patriarchal religion is abusive toward women. The idea that women should be forced to carry pregnancy to term against their will, is abusive. Not letting women into politics or leadership positions or films or the music industry, is abuse. Interrupting, mansplaining, etc, all subtle daily forms of abuse, which reinforce the man's sense of entitlement or sense of ownership over a woman who he sees as inferior.
No friggen wonder my mental health improved in quarantine, safely out of reach of male demands. It's exhausting to constantly have to discern which ones might verbally abuse me or beat me or rape me or kill me, and which ones I can trust.
But what about when we can't even trust men in our own family? Do I even know anyone who doesn't have at least one abusive or controlling man in their family? It's everywhere. In our bloodlines. On our tvs. In our music. In our religions. In our books. Even in the roots of psychology. Even women have learned to hate ourselves. Don't even call me a woman, call me "they" or "he", anything but "she", right? It's really bad. I have at least two friends who were raped by their own fathers. Two too many. And how many never admitted it out loud? How many blocked it out of memory?
Before I was like 'why are all my friends suffering from mental illness?' Now I think it's more of a miracle if you are a woman who doesn't suffer mental illness.
Girl.
It's not in your head.
I believe you.
12:55 p.m. - 2021-10-18