I thought I was progressing with this trauma, but my body is telling me otherwise. I wake up every few hours and his anger replays in my head and my mind desperately seeks resolution but instead feels fear. I'm barely sleeping, I'm struggling to eat, I'm a ball of anxiety all day every day since that phone call I wish I never had.
So, new plan: No more writing about my dad, no more talking about my dad. I don't have a dad. Dad who?
I'm tired of this taking a toll on my health and interfering with my happiness. I need a break, for me. I need rest and I need peace.
I'm trying to lift myself out of the hole I was born into, not go backward. So I'm enforcing a strict routine of gratitude lists and positive journaling until that mindset becomes habit again. It's going to feel like running uphill for awhile but it will get easier once my brain muscles get used to it. I've done it many times before, I can do it again. Starting now.
Grateful for: pets, rain, friends, warmth, security, safety, quiet, books, music, games, hugs, good memories, art, nature, meditation, teachers, dance, inspiring people, smiles, jokes, healing, health, food, water, warm mugs, crickets, frogs, redwoods, ferns, beaches, lakes, fog, sunny days, sunrise, hope, solitude, clean air, self love, self care, naps, a month without chronic pain, documentaries, dreams, inner wisdom, play, novel experiences, chocolate, places I've lived, the kindness of strangers, humanity, inclusion, compassion, acceptance.
7:03 a.m. - 2021-10-19