It's december which means time to set healthy boundaries. Again.
Small town guy texted that he's getting his booster "so if you feel lonely you can come down for the holidays." I didn't reply. A few days later another text: "What do you want for Christmas?" (He knows I'm not Christian.) I didn't reply. So he texts AGAIN: "Happy Chinese New Year."
(?)
Last year I had to block him for the duration of december because it feels like harassment when you've already told someone, repeatedly, that you are not Christian.
I ended a friendship a few years ago, in part because she continued saying antisemitic things after I asked her to please stop because its antisemitic. Then I had to turn down a job because the photoshoot concept was antisemitic (although the photographer was very genuinely apologetic when I explained why.)
My other best friend would ask, "Why do you not like Christmas?" She really didn't understand, it's not that I "don't like Christmas." It's that I'd be appropriating Christmas because I Am Not Christian. Not that there's anything wrong with Christians! I'm just not one. And I'm still not interested in converting, now or ever. Being repeatedly threatened that I'll burn in hell my whole childhood for not being baptized may have put a damper on my enthusiasm.
Me and H started discussing this way back in summer, in anticipation of december, about how we should plan in advance to find a cabin to hide in for a month where there's no wifi, to avoid the handful of people who exhibit compulsive behavior about forcing Christian holidays on non Christians.
I don't mind the xmas cards as much, although it's like gifting a vegan in Ecuador a fur coat in summer. It doesn't make sense, but I'm sure they mean well, or just forgot. Again.
Also probably should give my other friend a heads up about not bringing up my family every time she talks to me, because it's taken so much therapy to move forward from ptsd, and each stress amplifies my chronic pain, and it's probably wise to avoid triggers right now. When we were young she lacked boundaries and I was still inexperienced at verbalizing boundaries so I ghosted her. But we reconnected meaningfully, so now that we're older I'd rather see if I can state boundaries clearly enough to be heard first, before resorting to throwing out the whole friend, which probably isn't necessary in this case, because I don't think she intended any harm, I just need to find the most succinctly gentle way of communicating my desire to be left alone in peace about this.
I might see my mom or I might not. Still deliberating. It'd involve bringing someone large and with quick enough reflexes to protect me if she becomes dangerous. It could trigger anxiety and worsen my own health. I love her but I've buried that love for so long to the point where my relationship with her is just imaginary conversations we have in which she doesn't get violent. Love expressed via telepathy is the best I've been able to do. That and mentally personifying her as Tiamat, Goddess of Chaos who birthed the (my) universe out of nothingness, part goddess, part monster, but either way, a divine being deserving of respect. She's a pisces and a dragon and has intense love for the sea, and I'm terrified of her, so it fits.
In my fantasy, I scoop her up in my arms and she lets me take her to the sea, to surf one last time, to smell the sea since she can no longer hear or see much, and I buy her a beach house, just for her, where she can lay in the sun and be as crazy as she wants, happy for the rest of her days.
8:18 a.m. - 2021-12-05