Jan 2
I hope that when we die, we'll get to see all our ancestors' lives flash before our eyes too, and learn all the good family secrets and stories and moments of glory, and meet them and be able to ask them anything. My grandparents and great grandparents, following my lineage down to prehistoric times.
I want to see my parents grow up, from their birth up until my birth. I want to be able to interact with them as children as a child myself so that we can play together on the playground and be best friends. Ohhh how I would love to be my nana's best friend as a kid. I hope reincarnation is real. It's a universal belief worldwide. Like ghosts. It would be arrogant of us to say we know the world beyond our limited perception. We don't know jack.
What if our subconscious continues to live after we die, and that's how we meet the dead in our dreams?
My grandparents appeared in my dreams, separately a year or two after they died. In both I heard a knock at my door and went to answer it. The first time it was my grandpa who was unexpectedly killed in a freak accident. He looked bewildered and confused but couldn't talk. I hugged him. In another dream I heard a knock on my door it turned out to be my grandmother. She stood silently and glared at me, unmoving.
My mom's mom didn't appear in a dream until 2020 even though she died many years ago. She interrupted my dream very unexpectedly from across a crowded room where she was watching me with a wise smile. I walked to her and she held my hands in hers for a long time and looked directly in my eyes without speaking, as if to say that she was proud of me and wanted me to know that I am hers and I'm supported. She seemed all-knowing, an ascended being.
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Jan 3
Just read about a kink some abusive guy has where he forces his wife to let him watch her pee but if she doesn't he throws angry fits, so she's had lots of utis. She has a child with this idiot, of course. The author of the article quoted doctors and therapists and begged her to get out of this manipulative relationship that she's stuck in for fear of breaking up her family. She's living my worst nightmare.
It reminded me of how I have always felt about sex with men, how they've always, across the board, demanded things I don't really enjoy. The manipulation. The entitlement. Even with the so called "nice" guys, even fathers of young children, even those who describe themselves as "feminists." Even those who take very good care of me in other ways. Whether I fucked them once or for many years.
A lot of kinky sub men and crossdressers, for whatever reason, follow my educational and non-sexual historical blog about ancient Goddesses, and make it into some kind of kink rather than actually trying to understand it and learn something. I've also received unwanted messages and dick pics from the same sorts of men for one photo I attached in a review for cotton shorts to demonstrate the fit for other WOMEN. There's a running theme of non-consent, of sexualizing things not meant for their sexual entertainment, of being GROSS. Remember when I had to quit therapy because 3 men on average would accost or follow me every time I walked there?
The therapist mentioned in the article how using anger and throwing tantrums to manipulate without regard for one's feelings or health is abuse. You know, like, what my dad did. What every man does to varying degrees if I get close enough. (And even if I'm just trying to be left alone.)
Then I read a sexist, ageist remark an ex mayor (male) made about our woman mayor. And remember #metoo and femicide and rape and....... Any guesses why being alone for most of pandemic has been such a relief?
A much younger friend (30 something) who caught covid complained that she had to be alone for 12 "whole" days. Couldn't relate, since I've been completely alone for several months, even seasons at a time, at intervals throughout pandemic, and found it so freeing. Blessed peaceful swaths of time that were mine and mine alone. I like people and hugs too, but, is it not 1000% of a smoother ride to go solo? I friggen LOVE solitude.
I like solitude so much that I've wondered if there's something wrong with me, so I took some inane quizzes online that said I have some autistic tendencies. I may or may not be just a smidge on the spectrum. But I guess that works in my favor.
Funny though, it's like all the erratic on and off behavior of men, coupled with enduring the same effect from friends with dissociative disorder, was the ideal training for covid isolation. By the time 2020 arrived, I was like a navy seal of being numb to abandonment. What was once used against me as a manipulative tactic, became as hurtful as a hiccup. Being alone had become heavenly. And I discovered I didn't miss sex very much at all. It was surprisingly nice to get away from it.
It was pleasant spending a few weeks with M, even though I did secretly notice his glitch attempt at emotional manipulation during his last week here. I just let him play his game with himself, knowing I'd be alone again soon enough anyway. I even took the blame. I can tolerate men, as long as I don't have to spend more than two weeks at a time with one. I enjoyed our time together, and I enjoy our time apart. And I'm so glad I don't need to have sex or be groped for the next few weeks. I guess I'm just weird!
9:43 p.m. - 2022-01-02