Progress report. I woke up every few hours with pain in my gut (and soul) but I slept a lot. Gut still feels very tense. Can't seem to keep those muscles relaxed. Maybe I'll accidentally give myself abs this way. Or an ulcer. Did he jump off the bridge? Who knows!
In the middle of the night I brought my rodent into my bed and she stretched and slept with me under my blankets which is her favorite place to be, and kept my belly warm and calmed me enough to fall back asleep. At other times in the night I reached out for my cat's paw, rubbing her nose while she slept, to comfort myself.
Well I made it through the night and now it's time to make it through the day. I might delete his profile on my headset later, not to be vindictive but to give him fewer reasons to want to come back. I might also throw away the things he left here unless they're useful to me. I want to reclaim my space as mine alone and that requires a purge of the layer of junk he left everywhere, as if my home is his personal landfill.
I feel better than yesterday now that the shock has subsided, the intended effect I assume he was going for.
Yesterday before we left he had asked me if he could pull my hair during sex. The very bad domestic abuse felony ex who the law made an automatic restraining order against ten years ago enjoyed hurting me during sex that way too. I didn't tell M that. I said it's ok if he pulls my hair as long as he doesn't pull it out (even though I don't like it.) I should have said I don't like it. Imagining having to have my hair pulled out of my head while I'm trying to feel good, on top of him hurting me in other ways, cures me of the desire to be part of a couple at all. I already tolerate enough things I don't enjoy.
At this point I don't see the difference between fucking a fuckboy or fucking him because both make me feel the same level of shitty, so if I must at any point have physical touch again, I'd actually prefer the fuckboy who isn't comfortable enough yet to slam doors and yell. I'd rather have a fuckboy who cums too soon so it's over faster so I can pack up the cuddles I wanted and go on my merry way alone. If the fuckboy in question sounds better to me than the relationship, that means the relationship must be pretty terrible.
My friend texted at 5am, still awake. All my friends are still night owls except me.
I probably won't go to the friend thing because my stomach is in absolute knots and I might drink too much in that situation and the slightest thing might make me either start crying in public or have sex with someone I maybe shouldn't (or maybe should?)
If these were normal times, I'd put on some lipstick, take a shot of mezcal and go to the cafe where all my friends would be there to hug me and music would help me forget and someone would flirt with me and I'd wake up with a hangover but at least I wouldn't feel like a victim.
9:46 a.m. - 2022-02-20