I put a quote on my phone lockscreen: "Your life is as good as your mindset."
I woke early and did yoga in the sun before driving us to the mountains where a coyote approached our picnic. I scared him off by standing on the picnic table and howling La Unión's Lobo-hombre en París. Then I petted a lizard on a rock and M called me a witch. We hiked to a swing overlooking the sea, which of course some malcontent cut down so no one could swing. But we saw wild animals and dragonflies and enjoyed stunningly beautiful views from the top of the peak.
The next day we went to the beach and I chauffeured M everywhere since it was our last day together before he goes back to his job search. He ran out of weed and stopped taking his insulin, so I was a tiny bit wary about withdrawals and blood sugar related irritability, but he seemed happy, and I was just grateful to have a bodyguard so I could go outside. Unfortunately even with M there, men stared or tried to talk to me each time I walked to a public restroom. But the weather was absolutely perfect. We stopped into a thrift store and I bought him a few games he wanted. I was so excited to be in a thrift store again for the first time since 2019!
When we got home I took a quick bath and after I emerged from the bath he was a different person. He handed me a very hot plate so I yelped in pain and moved my hand away, so he put the plate on top of glass (which breaks if exposed to heat, apparently he didn't know?), so I grabbed the hot plate again to spare my desk from destruction. He started yelling at me for that, so I apologized and hugged him, accepting that he's not the type to comfort someone after accidentally burning their hands, he didn't even feel guilty like I would have, and doesn't instinctively apologize like I do. That scares me about him, but I feel like I have the skills to de-escalate and apologize regardless of who is at fault. I'm an adult.
It turned out he had created an entire story in his mind in which he thought I was "secretly thinking fuck you" to him earlier (I was literally just staring quietly at bologna), then he yelled that I was angry at the beach. Even though I was stoned the whole time on an edible and spacing out on the beautiful view. Maybe I was squinting from the sun and it gave me resting bitch face? I don't remember feeling angry at all. But I do remember him loudly yelling FUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK when he lost something, and I was slightly embarrassed because he yelled in front of a stranger who was just trying to enjoy the peaceful view. It startled me but I didn't say anything and actually forgot about it until he brought it up.
He was probably just hangry and his blood sugar is all over the place since his alcoholism relapsed. His energy was anxiety-inducing so I gently coaxed him into sleeping at his place, because after all that I wasn't exactly looking forward to enduring his snoring all night on top of it, and with his toddler-like attitude I wasn't really keen on sex anymore, so why babysit.
I am glad I was somewhat able to de escalate his anger before it got worse. Honestly I'm just glad to have been able to have several hours outdoors in beautiful places! Even if I had to pay for it when we got home.
The whole day I kept thinking how lucky I am. The sun, it feels so good on my skin. The temperature reminds me of happy childhood memories. Nature is amazing. I have a tank full of gas and am driving distance to everywhere. Lucky! And a stranger renewed my faith in humanity with a good deed.
I've been focusing on the present moment the past couple days, gently steering my brain back once or twice when it wandered, but found it to be easier than usual this week. Even though today ended on an unexpectedly sour note, I appreciated the day. In fact, I refuse to let anyone spoil it. I choose gratitude!
I'm actually pretty psyched that now I can sleep without uncomfortable headphones because there's no snoring to endure. How heavenly, to be able to sleep on my stomach and not wake with aching earlobes. I save $1000 per month on food when he's not here devouring all my food, so there's not much incentive for me to want him to stay. I am essentially paying $250+ per week for an unreliable part time bodyguard who yells at me and robs me of quality sleep and who I have to clean up after. If I don't see him for one year I'd save a substantial $12,000 which could partially fund a new house for me and my animal babies! He's back to ignoring me every few days which gives me ample time to plan my escape.
Peace and quiet will be good for me. My guy friend said I need a different bodyguard for the time being, and offered to take his place. My tomorrows will always be however I consciously choose to make it! And every day is an opportunity to love myself in exactly the way I want to be loved.
On a darkly humorous note, my mother has been causing a ruckus in the old folks home. She broke their window. They want to discuss her behavioral issues with me and my sibling. For the first time ever, these issues are finally being taken seriously. We can't get all those lost years back, but I'm glad someone is taking notice now, after years of her slipping through the cracks, finally, after trying unsuccessfully to get help for her since I was 11. 30 years late is better than never. They want her medicated now, and my sibling and I are 1000% in support of it.
7:53 p.m. - 2022-08-21