Who do I talk to about this? (A therapist probably.)
I need to know details. I need to know which day was the stroke, which day was he in the hospital, was he alone when it happened, how long was he struggling to live? Who do I ask? Did he mention me? Was he upset? Was he in the hospital when he called me? Did it happen before or after that? Did he know he was dying?
His cousin is handling the funeral, I could try to find out her number. I could ask around. I'm so shy to bother people with this and scared to trigger them with my questions. I regret making myself so distant. I wish I had known he was dying so I could have given him the best end of life anyone ever had. Until I know the facts and understand the timeline, I'm going to endlessly obsess about the things I am in the dark about.
Even in dreams I was deliberately staying busy doing other things because I couldn't handle thinking about it. Even in dreams. It's too soon, I'm not ready. I lost someone who loved me more than anyone and I can't let go of these repentant feelings that he died of a broken heart, because of the timing. This is a very heavy painful burden to carry in my psyche. I know it's not right to wish for the impossible but, please come back and give me another chance to say goodbye. This is too brutal a feeling to accompany grief which is hard enough as it is. I need answers, so that I can process what is factual, instead of running in circles wondering what really happened.
7:36 a.m. - 2022-10-26