(Fyi, I will be documenting here every single grief thought that passes through my brain for as long as it takes to heal. This is my grief journal for the time being. This is how I process and heal.)
Current minor grief annoyance: My friend told me I'm codependent because I felt regret about his death.
Uh, or maybe I felt that way because he literally killed himself right after I said I just wanted to be friends....?
I've talked to many people, read a million psychology articles and podcasts about grief, all of which state it is a NORMAL part of grief to feel guilt and regret. So I guess that makes everyone codependent if they feel grief. And it's womens fault if lonely drunk men chase us.
Friends say dumb things, I know, I know. He was just trying to help in his own way. I didn't argue. I am sure friends feel anguish when they don't know what to say or how to help another's grief, and can't just admit they don't know what to say. Forgivable.
I'm just tired of being told everything is my fault when addicts stalk me, follow me, demand my time and energy, and I need to continuously block them to be left alone. Is that codependence? I didn't put the drink in his hand. I said no. I walked away and moved on, and it was easy. Except now he's dead, which is obviously not cool. I had healthy boundaries. I chased no one. I blocked him. I'm sorry but how is any of this my fault? My "codependent" role was the role of the person going to the greatest lengths to be left alone. Reference every diary entry ever written here. I am not the one who wanted a relationship with R. The addict was the one who wouldn't let ME go, I said NO, and now he's dead. Who's the codependent in this situation?
Domestic violence victim advocate Lundy Bancroft says codependence is a made up label that places blame on the victim rather than the abuser, who exploits one's empathy for personal gain and actively create a dynamic in which the parasite attempts to use guilt to get what they want. It is not the victim's fault for being "codependent." It is the abuser (or addict) who creates this dynamic.
I was unwilling to go along with his program, so R self destructed, because he couldn't get to me.
I'm sorry for my friend who thinks the person who survives addicts is to blame. Sometimes the addict is the one doing the chasing. I saw him a total of ONCE in 2022, zero times in 2021, zero times in 2020. I saw him ONCE in three years, and I left early, despite his pleas and guilt trips. For me it was never so much about him as it was about wanting to annually visit my hometown, and he happened to live there, and offered to let me sleep in his spare room when in town, so. I ignored all his friend requests on social media and I rarely if ever replied to his messages. Codependent my ass. My friend is projecting because his therapist told him he's codependent, and he's so codependent he's even scared to be alone in his codependence. Yes I feel bad for not valuing him enough while he was alive, but I preferred solitude and fought for my peace.
Let me feel how I feel. Grief contains many feelings, and feeling bad is a fucking normal way to feel when someone dies. Jesus Christ.
Calling the survivor of someone else's addict behavior "codependent" is like victim blaming someone who was raped. I consented to none of this. I steered clear of his alcoholism. He probably wanted to blame his drinking on me and self destructed because he didn't get his way. He destroyed his own health, he constructed a fragile house of cards that any unwanted comment would have been enough of a gentle breeze to demolish him, and unfortunately, I responded to his taunting text with a stern boundary, so I was the one to blow down his house of cards. I sensed things were going south for him fast, and I was trying to steer clear of his destructive habits.
But he was hyperfocused on me, and I had no control of that! There was no possibility of me getting out so easily when an unhinged delusional drunk was on the other end. He found a way to force me to pay attention, by crucifying himself. Is it codependent of me if I attend his funeral? Was every rejection of him to preserve my deep need for solitude still not enough to avoid the designation of codependent? Really? I saw this man ONE TIME in THREE YEARS and we hardly ever talked because I couldn't stomach his drunk texts. If that's codependence.... then I guess there really is no escape from blame for the non-addict. I was apparently codependent with this man I saw once in three years and refused to date. Yep, I sure brought this on myself? Imagine if I'd actually accepted his friend requests and responded to his calls...
Anyway, I didn't bite when my friend tried to engage me in a "conversation" in which I am at fault due to my role as the unwilling object of an addict's affections and sexual desires because I attended my high school reunion where everyone drank. How was I supposed to know?
My friend is an adult child of an alcoholic, and texts me obsessively nearly every day because he is lonely. I pity him because it's normal to feel lonely, even though I rarely do, because I am weird and I love solitude. I've known him since 4th grade so I put up with him, even though we are very different. And I'll forgive him for his ignorance, because if I didn't forgive everyone for their ignorance, I wouldn't have any friends. We are all learning as we go, and nobody's perfect.
There is nothing wrong with empathy for the dead. Grief doesn't make someone codependent. I'm discarding his sentiment in the trash where it belongs.
Let me label my own grief and feel my feelings, and let them wash over me however they wish as I process my trauma. Don't invent reasons and fault and blame to project on a grieving friend. Things happen. Sometimes there is no reason. Death is a part of life. And when I die I'm not going to passive aggressively blame survivors for being codependent. Nothing could be more codependent than blaming yourself for being codependent. Now that I understand the facts, that he knew he was dying and kept it secret from us, I cannot rationally blame myself in any way shape or form. Now I can grieve without guilt that isn't mine to carry.
Fucking cry if you need to, without letting anyone shame you for it. That's the definition of toxic masculinity, to shame one's feelings. If R had openly felt his feelings without shame instead of trying to stifle his feelings in a bottle of booze, maybe he'd still be here today. Don't take emotional advice from a dude who doesn't understand empathy. Feel your feelings. Communicate your feelings. It doesn't make you codependent. It makes you healthy and resilient. It makes you human.
12:15 p.m. - 2022-10-27