Regarding my unempathic guy friend who said my friend's death isn't my fault, but IS my fault, because I'm codependent and too empathetic... (and asked me if i sent the deceased a curse? what?? and also said next time I'll learn to be more nice when a guy asks me out.) was "maybe lets be friends" too mean? He is so bad at this omg...
Okay so I did a codependency test. Scored 4 out of 20. Really low score, but not nothing? He also constantly tells me I'm an empath. He said this before and I told him it's ptsd, I people please because men scare me and I'm trying not to DIE. But he thinks he knows better than my therapist, so I let him mansplain to me about myself without disagreeing, because to do so would cause him to debate me about how wrong I am. Thanks for the sympathy?
People rarely listen to my actual perspective, but they assume a lot. And they have to assume a lot, because no one really knows me, because I avoid them, because they're so bad at reading me, because, it's easier to assume than to think, or actually listen to a woman.
I let my guy friend know I am going to be off grid and unreachable while I grieve. I didn't tell him it's because his form of helping does more harm than good and that I don't feel safe being vulnerable with him because he's bitter that he's alone and blames his ex girlfriend for dumping his ass. I think he feels triggered by our female perspective because it amplifies his feelings of rejection, and he's not aware of how he makes women uncomfortable. I don't have the energy. I wanted to be alone before R, and now I REALLY want to be alone. Let me grieve in peace, dude. You can mansplain and argue at me some other time.
My other friend who has been obsessively asking me to do a paid gig for her album for years now even though I keep saying no, asked me AGAIN. I must have told her no 20 times or more now. Is she forgetful or just really pushy? It is incredibly annoying to not be listened to, to have my boundaries ignored over and over again until I have to block people or report harassment to get them to stop. Lots of people have no boundaries I guess. I am very tired.
Gonna get myself a trained professional grief counselor...
10:57 a.m. - 2022-10-28