Silence and noise.
These days I seem to either get zero feedback, or negative feedback that doesn't seem rooted in reality.
Such as:
- methhead brother accusing me of trying to steal my homeless mother's inheritance (what inheritance??)
- guy friend believing I am a witch who does death curses, and wasn't kidding
- delusional stalker who harassed me at my online business which I had to close because of her
- dementia dad screaming at me
It's either delusional ragey feedback, or silence.
I have felt like a ghost since 2020, preferring to converse with myself than be someone's punching bag.
N rarely talks, so when I try to talk with him, the reply is usually dead silence. Just talking to myself feels better than talking to someone who gives no acknowledgment of one's existence, not even an "uh huh" or "ok" or "yep." Just silence. Psychologically it starts to feel like maybe I don't exist at all. I assume I must be bothering him so I distance myself. But then he acts confused and tries to reel me back. If I behaved like him, no one would uphold the conversation so we'd just listen to each other breathe all day. It's the same as being alone, but worse. I at least reply to myself, even when I don't know the answer. It's not just me. He's like this with everyone.
M is the opposite. It's oddly refreshing to be interrupted constantly! He has things to say and he doesn't mind talking over me completely. It's a different way of never being heard. It's better than my deepest thoughts being met with long pauses that turn out to be just silence. I'd rather be interrupted. He gaslights me and plays devils advocate against anything I say, and I've just accepted that about him. Better unempathic feedback than none at all. At least he's interacting. Proof I exist.
I've got a weird support system.
A couple guy friends who I adore didn't reply at all when I messaged them my new number, so I felt sheepish and stopped going to the events they still keep inviting me to. Maybe everyone has just forgotten how to communicate. Maybe I am doing something wrong that I'm not aware of, but since people have no shame about accusing me of wildly untrue things, I'd assume someone would tell me if I'd made a genuine mistake.
Today is R's funeral. My hometown bodyguard is now permanently silent. I've developed a fear of what new accusation I'll receive from unstable people. Best not to go. Better to be a ghost. R has my only jacket, and it is very cold outside. I'm sure people will gossip about me in my absence. My turn to be silent?
8:12 a.m. - 2022-11-04