I've been debating for weeks whether or not to reach out to certain friends, particularly one who is grieving. Since we are both grieving, it might be a nice gesture to be open with my friend about it, to communicate and express that I'm a friend he can vent to if he ever needs to. It would be mutually beneficial.
But I'm holding myself back from mutually supportive friendship, due to my hometown-friend's unhelpful assumption that I'm codependent. So I stay isolated and silent, good friendships withering away from neglect, and nobody gets any sense of community support because the "correct" way to be, according to my friend, is every man for himself. I think his selfish worldview is the reason for his chronic depression.
His world is not the kind of world I want to live in. I've been living that way for 3 years now, shutting people out, focusing only on my own self evolution. But watching loved ones suffer and die while I stood idly by (which my friend believes is the "right" way to be) doesn't make ME feel like I'm living a meaningful life, if everything is only for me me me? His method feels like regression into an infant mindset. I'm a grown adult. My emotions are vastly developed, enough to feel perfectly capable of holding space for another without losing any of myself.
There is enough of me in me, to give. Why are we so encouraged to take without giving? Isn't that a bit... uncivilized for a culture as supposedly advanced as ours? Aren't we capable of more? Aren't relationships about a balance of give and take? Why then are we shamed when we give? Giving should feel healthy. It's an investment in ourselves too, because when we give to those around us we strengthen our support network. Nurturing our relationships is good for us, and amplifies warm fuzzy feelings for everyone.
I think me-me-me culture is the reason we have such high rates of depression. It's not a healthy mindset in my opinion. We are herd animals, and we care about those around us. We SHOULD want to help each other, and as long as we are capable of taking care of ourselves too, I don't see why this is something we're told to avoid, and shamed for if we have any impulse to care for our sick and dying. What's the good in tying our own hands in order to witness others' pain yet refuse to help, when we have ears to listen and arms to hold, and doing so costs me nothing?
Does my friend think the world would be a better place if we all look the other way when someone asks for help and bury our heads in the sand? No wonder our society is falling apart, because we've lost our humanity by telling ourselves it's not our problem, by convincing ourselves we exist in a vacuum. The way we relate to others is our character. As long as we have boundaries, I don't see why we shouldn't be there for each other in hard times. My friend's method feels bitter, closed off, shut down, caveman-like. That's not the direction I want to move toward as a human being. I want my grief to evolve me into something more than just a self-involved hermit. Let's grow.
When I was young, elders provided shoulders to cry on, they showed me compassion and made sure I didn't die. Now it's my turn to pay it forward. Maybe my friend is still a child emotionally, but I am a woman, and the older I get, the more I want to be the kind of wise compassionate soul I admired in youth. I'd be honored to follow in the footsteps of the good ethical human beings who prevented me from slipping through the cracks. I can't just take their gift and do nothing with it. I am mature enough to lend an ear or a hand if someone asks.
It's not our problem or responsibility to save those who don't want to save themselves. But if we do have the emotional strength to listen to a friend who is hurting, then why not be a good friend? Why lock my heart up just because some emotionally deficient dudebro labels having a functional heart as "codependent", wrong, bad?
I want the world to be a better place, and it's never going to be the kind of world I want to live in unless I start with my own community. The longer I live here on earth, the more I think our values need to change to be less "me" and more "we." I may be wrong, but perhaps the world would be a better place if we all tried to get out of our own egocentric heads and be just a little bit more "codependent." Just a thought...
Internally, it made me feel stronger to talk and listen to friends' problems directly this week. It gave me perspective. It made me realize I'm never alone. I don't think I'd have felt this at peace if I had concealed my grief and censored others' grief. Being open enabled empathy to flow multi-directionally, which was healing for all of us.
In conclusion, I'm not taking advice from my depressed rural friend. Due to his stance on life being such that, to help him is, by his own values, "bad", well, then he has opted out of one of the most nourishing aspects of friendship. I will no longer nurture his friendship, as it will directly conflict with his value system of every man for himself. His attitude toward life left me feeling empty. I want something better for myself and for those around me. I want to show love and compassion for myself by showing love and compassion to others. I want to create so much love up in this bitch that everyone on this planet feels held, feels like we are in this together, because whether or not we want to admit it, we are connected, and we are in this together, always have been, and always will be. You are the other me.
I am grateful to grief for reminding me of this truth, and for reminding me who I am and what my values are. I am part of this human race for a reason. I have a heart and I want to use it as fully and courageously as I can. That's what it's there for, and it would be my deepest regret in life if I didn't make good use of it while I'm alive. Call it codependence if you're dead inside and have never experienced the joy of mutual love. I have to live my truth, and my truth is expansive. Life is larger than just myself. Let me feel and experience it all, inclusively, interconnectedly, humanly. Let me hold hands with grief the same way I hold hands with joy.
When we start dancing in a circle, and someone grabs my hand, that's continuity. I don't reject their hand even if I don't know them. I trust, I accept their hand nonjudgmentally whether it's sweaty or cold, I dance whether they dance well or not, because the dance isn't just about me or just about them, it's about the larger circle we create together, the magic that happens when we create something larger than ourselves, the smiles that spontaneously grow on our faces as we watch the circle grow and smiles increase. Life is a circle dance. We step forward, and sometimes we step backward, but we keep moving together, and that's what makes it fun, fulfilling, joyful.
It's not just a metaphor -- I circle danced this weekend and it never ceases to put a smile on my face. Circle dancing to my friends' live band makes me utterly glad to be alive. Circle dancing is an ancient mystical magical healing thing that makes every inch of my soul happy. I swear by its medicine.
10:13 a.m. - 2022-11-18