Reading Al-Anon forums, because M and R and all these other drunks who've circled me like vultures for years.
One woman's alcoholic left her after she told him she has cancer. Someone left her a comment that reminded me SO MUCH of M:
"Because he is sick. Sicker than you. If he was with you what would he be doing for you? What would he be like at your treatments? Would he go? How about after if you got sick? Would he hold your hair back, give you saltines? Or would he make this all about himself and how you are so selfish for inconveniencing him?"
"Or would he make this all about himself and how you are so selfish for inconveniencing him?"
There was also a whole thread about addict brothers that was a little too familiar. Multitudes of women saying things like "I have three brothers and they're all like this."
Well there you have it. Guess I'm on the right track then. Block them, leave them, go no contact, everyone says. My blocklist is getting really long though? I mean it seriously is starting to feel like I'm basically blocking 99% of the entire male population. Really, is this normal??? If a subset of any population was this problematic I feel like there'd have been a revolution ages ago.
I felt mad when M started yelling at me for not eating yesterday afternoon, because it was Thanksgiving, I didn't want to spoil my appetite for the grand Thanksgiving he had planned. I also didn't want to spoil my appetite the night before when he said he wanted to come to my house so we could have dinner together and watch soccer in the morning and be together on his last day off. How was I to know he'd be a completely different person just hours later if he didn't communicate to me? I thought he was still following through with the plans he made. How is it my fault and why would that make him angry anyway? I did nothing wrong other than falling for his lies. I should have been the one angry at him, but I didn't care. I was just confused, because he had me order all these groceries for Thanksgiving, and now what do I do with all of this? I gave some to N, and maybe I'll invite him tomorrow so I can have some help eating all this food so it doesn't go to waste. I think he definitely relapsed. I have no way of knowing, but the behavior fits. He used to do this all the time to me before he went sober. Apparently holidays are a trigger for a lot of alcoholics. He never celebrated thanksgiving with his family, so it's not that, but he probably saw it as an available window in which to get drunk alone since his sexual needs were already fulfilled by me. He probably lost his job the next day. But that's not my problem. Maybe it's grief talking, but I have no empathy left for this guy. It looks like he's not sober anymore, so I have no use for him. Let him cry in his beer about how I'll never take him back. Let him drink himself to death like R did. It's not like I'm gonna do anything about it. And I'll be smarter this time and keep him blocked and not check obituaries. I left R the moment I realized he was an alcoholic but it took a couple months before I noticed because he lived so far away. It's hard to tell with M too, because he's secretive. He has been sober but we don't live together and I avoid him because I'm always scared about the day he stops being sober. Maybe I'm always waiting for a reason to leave, a trigger. Giving me the silent treatment post-sex and last minute bailing on Thanksgiving without letting me know, feels like a good enough reason. It's not the worst he's ever done, but it'll do for parting ways forever.
A lot of women with alcoholics say they choose men to "fix." This is not something I have experienced at all. How rude and controlling to enter a relationship with the intention of changing someone, instead of accepting and loving who they are. When I feel like someone needs "fixing" I break up if it's too late by the time I realize there's a problem, or I reject them early, like I did with R and so many other horny lonely annoying drunks who make themselves undateable. I never chase, I'm the one always fleeing. My problem is that drunks don't listen when I reject them. They don't take no for an answer. They stalk me. They lie and do anything and everything to get my attention. When nothing else works they try to make me feel guilty because they sent me gifts, or try to make me jealous. Men can be extremely geniusly manipulative when they want sex, I've learned. I used to trust men. I don't anymore. I used to enjoy sex. I don't anymore. I can barely tolerate to have men in the same room anymore without massive anxiety. Me, the "daddy's girl" who used to be "one of the guys" and hung out only with boys for most of childhood. Imagine the suffering that had to take place for such an extreme transformation like that to occur.
I feel sorry for the man I married in my early twenties, because he knew who I used to be, and sees that I'm nothing like her anymore, and I think he blames himself. Yes, he broke my heart, and his betrayal was the first in a series, and set off a chain of events like being left alone in a vulnerable situation so that I was raped, but I don't blame him. His guilt is genuine, and that's enough to absolve him of past mistakes in my eyes. That and his continued consistent efforts to be there for me all these years later -- without expecting anything in return. This is what real love looks like I think, or at least it's the closest I've come to knowing it. I'm grateful for him more than any man I've ever met.
7:10 p.m. - 2022-11-25