Still doing a free trial of vr therapy with interactive live classes, meditation, social events and such. I attended a metta meditation which was very nice. Before that I explored a few pre-recorded lectures. I like the people there, the teachers are good, and experiencing it all in 3d feels very much like being somewhere in person except the environments are epic and lovely. Definitely considering the paid version, which isn't cheap, but is way cheaper than traditional therapy, and possibly better for me because it's self-guided, and I'm pretty self-motivated and love to explore at my own pace. And I LOVE classes. It doesn't feel like Zoom at all. Zoom gives me anxiety still, and feels awkward as fuck to me.
I'm trying to abstain from weed tonight, and depending how I feel tomorrow also, and perhaps just quit altogether, at least for awhile. I haven't been abusing it, but it's become a nightly habit to add a little weed ghee to a cup of hot chocolate. I'd like to see if I can reclaim a little motivation and brain power, and also I'd like to see if it makes grief easier or harder or neither. I won't force myself to quit if I feel at all uncomfortable though, for example if I have physical pain, or can't sleep, or if I have a panic attack or anything like that. If I "fail", no worries, as this is only an experiment, and at the very least, a brief reset to lower my tolerance, and re-assess whether my relationship with weed is helpful or not right now. I'm in the right headspace to (possibly) be ready to grieve without these training wheels. I'd like to avoid letting my brain get too lazy or falling into despair months from now, so I wanna see if I can just experience grief without trying to numb it down in any way. We'll see.
I would like to meditate more frequently too, not just before bed, but midday or any time when I find myself triggered, ruminating, or if I'm momentarily unsure what to do with myself. I'd love to feel the clarity I felt in 2020 when meditation was still a new and exciting adventure. There's still much to learn and explore in that realm. And I probably need it more now than I did then.
Why does it feel like 2020 was only just months ago?
9:13 p.m. - 2022-12-05