Survived the most recent wave of grief, and feeling better today, calm, content. The sun came out. Watched Horse Girl. Read mythologies and listened to meditation podcasts. Washed my hair. Did laundry. Organized.
I was comforted by a memory from 2010 when I fled an abusive relationship in the night to cry in my car on a quiet hillside, and as I sobbed alone I heard noise and looked up to see about a dozen deer slowly circumambulating around me in my car, in a perfect circle. I stopped crying. I was in awe. It felt like a miracle, like the deer were showing empathy for me, love from Nature Herself. It went on for several minutes, hooves circling around me, big deer eyes peering into mine, while I sat in silence watching them watching me, circling me... I never saw anything like it before. I felt protected. This powerful memory soothed me today.
In a recent dream, I received faintly written notes from R on small pieces of paper instructing me where and when to meet him. A wild boar rustled in the bushes. I ran to R and we spent a day at the beach together. He gave me a box that represented sex, because he can't physically have sex anymore, so it was instead just a symbolic gift, to let me know he would if he could. He smiled. We were happy to be together, cuddling, holding hands.
(Why do we always meet at the ocean in dreams? Why a boar?)
Later I learned a Hindu legend, in which Varaha/Vishnu takes the form of a boar and slays Hiranyaksha (who tried to destroy the Earth Goddess) and rescues Her from a flood.
They're all said to reincarnate in human form on earth several times, along with Varaha and Goddess. Funny how Hiranyaksha resembles M in all the old Hindu paintings... He always did have an obsession with demons.
So Goddess Earth is in an existential crisis, drowning and overwhelmed in the cosmic ocean. (Relatable.) Varaha emerges in the form of a boar. He descends into the ocean, finds her and saves her. Varaha and the Earth Goddess are attracted to each other and make love. After they regain consciousness, Varaha worships the Earth and decrees that the Earth be worshipped. Vishnu fulfills his cosmic duty, by going to the depths to rescue the righteous and uphold dharma.
So grateful for ancient stories like these.
[edit: Apparently there is also a Goddess form of the boar. I guess it's a similar storyline, but the feminine form is much older, origins traced all the way back to Indus Valley Civilization (one of the oldest civilizations in human history.) Wow!]
For three days in the eye of the storm (inside and outside) I straight up talked to R out loud, suggesting that he return to me in another form someday, if he wants, or he can wait for me to join him. I asked if he got rid of M for me and thanked him. That's fine, I said. I should have chosen you instead. I tell him "I love you" every day. We are still connected. We always will be. I will wait for him just like he waited for me.
I wrote an epic poem/song in his memory. I'll share it here eventually, sound and all.
Also, I saw a rainbow.
4:49 p.m. - 2023-01-16