N texted saying he was worried that I hadn't responded. So I explained that I was concerned about his emotional reactivity last night and that I feel unsafe communicating with him when he's like that.
He said he had no memory of raising his voice or being emotionally reactive, which is a typical response and did not surprise me. He did apologize, yet wanted me to explain in detail what he did, after I already explained he raised his voice at me after I stated a boundary (saying I want to hang up and go to sleep) because I felt uncomfortable with his confusing behavior and his actions not matching his words (texting that he wants to talk, then weirdly giving me silent treatment.) He seemed extremely upset last night when I pointed that out.
As suspected, he is not self aware, or so he claims. He said he was tired. Fair enough, though I wish he'd been self aware of that at the time instead of yelling at me, and instead of initiating a conversation he clearly had no bandwidth for in the first place.
He said his "brain wasn't really working well" and asked me to tell him (a second time) what specific part of what he did made me uncomfortable. He repeated that he was not aware he did that and doesn't remember raising his voice.
I said I was concerned that he wasn't self aware of his sudden change in volume and pitch (especially after years of singing lessons.) I stated I don't believe it's my responsibility to explain his behavior to himself, a second time. (He always makes me repeat myself so I typically screenshot my previous text because I feel he's just wasting my time pretending to suddenly have amnesia rather than take responsibility for his actions.)
He said he feels like there was a misunderstanding and repeated that he didn't remember doing anything wrong. Which isn't much of a genuine apology, but it's possible he's truly unaware, even though he has a tendency to compulsively deny mistakes. (I've known him since 1999, we were married for 10 years. He's not fooling anybody.)
He claims he cannot hear his own voice. A disability perhaps then? It's possible. He's never been very self aware, and not just with me, and not just with women, although he is from a culture with very strict gender roles which strongly favors men. He is also a mama's boy, and emotionally stunted, although I don't think he intends harm. It's more that his ego is incredibly fragile and he is incapable of receiving even the mildest criticism, which is kind of a problem when he causes harm, even if unintentional. He gaslights like no other.
On the other hand, I've never seen him yell at his male coworkers or male relatives. I know how he interacts with his family, and he reserves problematic behavior for his sister, his mother, his aunt, and me. I have never once seen him whine or yell like a child to his uncle or guy friends or father or brother-in-law the way he speaks to the women.
I'm choosing to be outwardly patient with him, but I'm getting tired of explaining things and repeating myself, turning myself inside out so that men can evolve. Tired of men demanding me to center them in my life and throwing fits if I say no. I have a right to say no. I am also tired of this weird amnesia men seem to get about things they've done to make women uncomfortable. Isn't that convenient?
Reminding myself that these are his issues to work out, and have little to do with me. It's annoying and a waste of energy, but I can distance myself whenever I need to, and I often do. Lucky for him he has enough good qualities to tolerate him overall. And he does not drink or do drugs, which is good.
All total I sent two succinct texts. He sent twelve paragraphs. Most of his texts just repeated over and over that he wasn't aware, has no memory, etc. But it's better than being ignored I guess? At least he takes the time to type something. Some men don't even do that much. Not to lower the bar, but, one must be realistic I suppose...
And he very well could have an intellectual disability for all I know. It's entirely within the realm of possibility that he's truly doing the best he is capable of. (Maybe?)
Might it be ableist of me to hold him to the same standards I hold myself to, if that were true?
Update: He asked how he can "make it better" so I said: "I'd like if you were self-aware. If you are tired and have no bandwidth left, be aware of your feelings and your body and do not force yourself to initiate a text to discuss a video. I was already in bed myself and would have preferred to wait until you felt 100% cognitively present.
I am allowed to say no, and so are you."
I later added:
"I've been less self aware in the past about my limits too and it's hard to gauge sometimes. I try to remember to pause and ask myself if I am doing things because *i* want to.
I try to check in with myself about how I'm feeling, my energy level, emotional bandwidth, etc, as often as possible.
I don't always get it right either but it's good to practice asking yourself how you feel and trying to be as honest with yourself as possible so that you don't overextend yourself beyond your limit. No one has unlimited energy or unlimited emotional strength. We are human.
I've leaned on you very heavily with my grief and I am going to try to ease up on that so I don't overwhelm you. Everyone needs breaks.
Please know that you are allowed to say if you're tired or need a break to do things that are just for you.
Boundaries aren't just for me. They're available to you too."
I think I handled that pretty well. His reply was satisfactory and I felt heard. Case closed.
6:51 p.m. - 2023-01-19