In recent months I had warm positive interactions with about 20 friends, and only one weird experience.
I have this extrovert drinker insomniac friend.. She stayed in touch all pandemic but we didn't visit in person due to her risky behaviors, and then my lover died the same week she invited me to hang so I had to cancel. But we kept in touch, even if conversations only centered around her, her album, and pushy demands to be her "makeup artist" after I already declined. I didn't discuss my grief because she's not the compassionate type, but she was aware of my recent loss when we talked in November.
Oddly hadn't heard from her since R's passing. She didn't once check on me, so I thought maybe I should be the bigger person and check on her. I logged into messenger to say: "miss you."
A week passed and I realized I hadn't heard back. Last time I hadn't heard back from someone it was because they had a sudden post-covid stroke and died. So I logged back in. My message was marked "read." Whew, she's alive.
She posted a photo of us together, mere days ago. I gave it a "like." She could be sick or having a bad week, so I waited a few more days. Still no response. I grew worried. "Everything ok?" I asked.
Startlingly, she retorted: "We don't really talk very much anymore, so I'm a bit surprised that you contacted me."
I see... Why is she posting photos of me then? We normally text this often. What changed? If she wanted to talk she could have texted me. Such an unexpected hurtful reply to "miss you" after 11 years of friendship. Did I catch her at a bad time? She was so friendly when we last talked. What happened to her?
My hands trembled. Her response seemed callous considering she knows R just died. I've been grieving alone, not out celebrating without her or deliberately avoiding her... Was she giving me the silent treatment for grieving instead of doing her makeup?
Her facebook contained multiple rage posts per day, complaints about everyone, and no likes. Girl needs a diary. Most of her angry rants were about how "no one has empathy" and "people need to be taught a lesson about empathy." Hmmm. I guess that applies to others but not herself.
She woke up one day and decided she hates me, in stark contrast to her obsessive texts before R died. Well I don't want to force friendship on anyone. I wasn't sure how to reply to this, but I wrote, "I understand. I hope you feel better soon. Take care." Then I hesitatingly blocked her, because I'm spooked, and I've seen her betray friends in the past over petty things. I don't see the point of defending myself if she feels my lover's death inconvenienced her, and that my life revolves around her makeup. Judging by her fb feed, she drove away all her other friends too.
I feel like a fool for reaching out compassionately. People are full of surprises.
Now it's a running joke with N. Every time we talk I say, "I'm a bit surprised that you contacted me. We talked hours ago. Who are you again?" Then N deliberately mispronounces my name and I mispronounce his, and we giggle.
M blamed it on the fact that she's Sicilian and went on a passionate tirade. He really popped off about it. I mean, it's true my Sicilian friends are narcissist caricatures, but to blame a whole island on the behavior of a few is hateful.
I understand that I selfishly grieved too slow to keep up with her unspoken requirements. It's hard to keep everyone happy. I should have texted her while I was throat-deep in grief to talk about makeup. It slipped my mind. I didn't know there was a deadline looming overhead, waiting to punish me for grieving instead of putting her first like I usually do.
I feel grateful for loved ones who are patient and understanding, who don't use me as a prop for social media while treating me poorly in private, who respond to kindness with kindness. One cold reaction out of 20 warm interactions ain't bad stats. She's always been tactless and clingy, but I accepted her, defended her, and showed her nothing but kindness and support for 11 years. I really hope she's ok.
I wonder if she says that at high school reunions. That would be funny, to attend a high school reunion just to be mad at everyone for not texting her enough.
Personally, I love reconnecting with people. It's like meeting them all over again for the first time, but better. I love hearing what everyone has been up to, how they've been spending their time, or changed for the better, or how they've overcome grief or survived cancer. I guess I see the world differently than my friend C is able to right now, and that's okay.
Dear reader I send you my love, whether we last spoke in a past life or months ago or never at all. I send you love, unconditionally. <3 - 2023-02-10