$400 worth of groceries rotting in the refrigerator because M fooled me again. Too exhausted to cook. Eye twitching, even though I slept well. Tinnitus now.
All four of my new plant investments are dying because N gave me a plastic bag of "potting soil" but he didn't read the label (it wasn't potting soil) so he gave me an infestation instead. He tried to fix it by going to the nursery to pick up actual potting soil, but then spammed my glitchy phone with photos of so many different soils which I repeatedly specifically stated I did not need. He wasn't listening, and gave me less than 30 seconds to read every label of the overwhelming number of photos he sent before saying he was gonna get xyz. (Why send options as if I have a say if I don't?) He made it so much more stressful than necessary.
He was in hyper-ocd mode and I got overwhelmed, so I finally gave up and said thanks for your help but it's easier to just do it myself. My plants will be dead by the time I make it out to the nursery, but it will save my sanity not needing to deal with him.
Men are expensive. Even when they're trying to "help." I'm so frustrated and worn down.
The men in my life are so action-oriented, but they can't slow down for 30 seconds to stop and analyze what they're doing before they ruin everything. What good is being action-oriented if every action you take is a mistake?
Then again, I am the one forever gullibly taking them at their word. My reasoning is that they can't fuck up every single time, right? At least once they might not do everything wrong, out of sheer coincidence. Alas. I am consistently proven wrong.
They say to ask for help when you need it. But I don't have the right kind of support system for that. I have to do everything myself, unless I want to kick myself later. Every time I think I can talk to them, it sets me back a month or two, I lose money, my chronic pain reappears from the stress, plants die, my mental health suffers, and I wish I never talked to them in the first place. None of these problems happen when I'm alone.
I had actually blocked M prior, but he reappeared with a new number saying he wanted to see me. Do I really need to change my phone number everywhere again?
I am so tired.
Every time I make a little progress in life, a man walks in and demolishes it and I have to start all over.
I can't keep doing this. It's better to be lonely than to keep enduring this circus.
Let's try this again... Maybe this time I can tolerate total isolation for a full year. Each time I last a bit longer..
still monday - 2023-06-19