I had made myself a sparkling gin coconut water thing before the fire alarm even went off, with noise canceling headphones already on, as if knowing...
Collected my freaked out animal children, lined my bathtub in soft things and placed them inside (it's quieter in there, with the bathroom door closed.) It was an opportunity to bond. I sat with them in the tub holding my drink while they huddled close together in fear, eyes big, shaking from the noise. I know how my babies feel. I apologized to them for this world. I feel the same honestly. I'd hide in my tub all day if I could.
I pulled out a ladder and taped thick cork over the alarm speaker. I really want to cut the wires because this happens so often, but I might want to sell this place, and I'm sure that's against some contract I signed in 2009.
The adrenaline and excruciating noise and animals and gin cocktail and weed helped distract from my frustration in the previous entry. I still consider myself sober, since I so rarely drink. I don't know why I feel like I have to excuse it. The therapist who encouraged me to quit in 2019 kinda made me feel like I had a problem, but I think it was purely a social crutch. At home alone it's a rare thing. My one bottle of gin has lasted since 2019. People still make me feel bad about it though. I wasn't exactly a raging alcoholic before 2019. I just drank enough to socialize, as much as my peers. Well -- one of those peers died, in part by alcoholism. So. I guess keeping up with my peers isn't always a good rubric to follow...
Not to be uber neurodivergent, but, sometimes I wish there was a manual for life. Just an ultra thorough list of rules to refer to, so that we could know how "normal" people do things. Sometimes I'm tired of constantly being stared at, told I'm different, unique, out-of-the-box thinker, etc... Like what if one day I just blended in for a change. What if one day no one noticed me.
I live in the quirkiest city on earth probably, and yet, I am instantly identified as different to everyone. I don't mind being weird, but sometimes it might be nice if it weren't commented on so much. What if friends listened to the actual content of what I'm saying, rather than being distracted by superficialities?
I'd rather feel understood on a deeper level. At least the people who call me an "out of the box thinker" NOTICE that I THINK. It's not the same as understanding me, but at least they're seeing beyond skin deep.
I miss R. Also, fuck you, covid. In 2020 you were a convenient excuse to escape alcoholics, but enough already. You took my lover. You keep making everyone crazy, or sick. My immune system can't hang, but there are days I wish I could live life recklessly like other people. What if I hugged my bartender friend and drank till tomorrow. Probably not worth it. Yet today, part of me wishes I could. Today, if R was alive, I'd drink with him. We'd karaoke with our arms around each other, one too many drinks in us, smiling idiots, in love.
We are in the patron trecena of Mayahuel right now. Goddess of alcohol, you could say. Don't ask me why I know obscure facts like this..
Miss you, R. Miss you so, so much.
longest monday ever - 2023-06-19