im thankful that when i wake up it will be a new day.
ive heard some have better luck with a new relatioship after escaping a horrible relationship. at least for a little while. and at this point, i'll accept a little while of happy over a longer while of misery and torture.
i asked that he block my facebook and delete my number. it cant suck much more than it already does. but i'll have a better chance of connecting to someone who treats me nicer if i don't have an asshole texting me who doesn't make time to see me at all and then accuses me of cheating. suspicious much? yes. but at this point does it even matter whether he's cheated or not? either way his effect on my mental state is extremely negative. who needs that shit. aint nobody got time for that. its time for something new because this just isn't functional anymore. i'm lucky i have other offers & i think it'd be wisest not to repeat my mothers mistakes & just fuckin leave the suffering behind and pay attention to the ones who actually want me. no need to fret the details, just rebel against the pattern with every ounce of strength & passion i've got, in every area, every day, harder and harder until that becomes the new pattern. i'm already improving in other areas of my life so all i need to do is kick this one and then i'll have a lot more peace of mind within a few months or so. i can suffer a little heartbreak now for the sake of a better future. i can and i will! i'm stronger every day already!
sometimes i so wish there was a place i could run to escape from all the men. maybe i should give the girl who likes me a chance before i miss another opportunity to live a personal life that doesn't include a man or macho misogynistic mindsets. because thats become so old. i think it used to work on me but now its just boring and makes lose interest quickly.
i'm going to put more effort into surrounding myself with women and keep doing things for myself that put me where i want to be because so far i've been doing a really good job of improving in the latter. keep it up, me!
also i think i need a solo vacation in nature very soon to renew my energy because boys can be unbelievably draining on my spirit. they are a major disappointment. but maybe i'll feel less that way if i open myself up to a new and different energy
to complain about.
5:09 a.m. - 2018-05-17