All the daily habits I now take pleasure in, are the things I used to resist doing:
meditation, yoga, daily gratitude journal, cooking, sewing, waking with the sunrise, sleeping early every night at the same time, being stone cold sober every day and actually preferring it.
These things used to seem so hard to motivate myself to do, but now I look forward to waking up and doing them.
Isolation appears to be very healthy for my ability to stick to routines and take better care of myself without being pressured to cater to anyone else's demands which usually left me in a perpetual state of fatigue, even though I didn't accomplish much to show for it. I'm relieved to now know that it wasn't so much a problem with me, but the influence of an environment that seemed invasively entitled to my time and privacy, and that I was sabotaging my happiness by making excuses for specific emotionally stunted people who don't respect boundaries, and men who required a LOT of emotional labor. SO MUCH EMOTIONAL LABOR.
It was easy to pretend they were okay while I was high or drunk. Sober, it is impossible not to see the truth of the situation, and to see people as they really are, instead of how I want to believe they are.
I'm nervous about quarantine being lifted because I don't want things to return to normal. I don't want to go back to being every man's therapist. I don't even want sex anymore. I had enough of it to last a lifetime. I like my new quiet simple grandma life. It fulfills me in ways men, and even friendships, couldn't. Vowing to myself here and now to hold on tightly to my new found peace, and not let anyone get in my way again, ever.
2:19 p.m. - 2020-04-26