I was scrolling the internets and there was a question like: "what person are you closest with" and I was stumped.
I felt close with my best friend until she became bitter because she's unhappy with herself because I got better and she didn't. Normally I'd comfort her, but she became passive-aggressive-toxic so I distanced myself. :( I've accepted that she doesn't have my best interest at heart and has some growing up to do. So I guess I don't feel close to her anymore.
I talk with my ex every day but I wouldn't say I feel close. Close enough to talk, but there's no depth. He's kind of like a human robot. That has its benefits, but, I can't feel close to a robot.
I'm close with the alcoholic I guess, but not really, since I have distanced myself from him too, for obvious reasons. We talk but only when he's not trashed, so how close can you be really with someone so unreliable and moody. Not very.
I'm close with my dad sort of but only when he's not working. He's easier to talk to than anyone else I know. We get along well. Still, I'm not sure I'd say I'm closest to him.
I'm probably closest with one of my pets.
Actually, this year I've really strengthened my relationship with ...myself! I like it! I'm pretty awesome. I worry that after quarantine I will have lost all interest in humans. When I scroll facebook I am reminded of what I don't like about relationships with people. They bring their negativity and chaos into my world. Or they compare themselves to me and it feels like they're more interested in comparing themselves or judging than actually forming human connection. Sometimes it makes them become passive aggressive because they lack the insight to understand that I'm not competing with anyone. I'm literally just trying to enjoy life because life is short, and I'd rather spend it in awe of the universe than being argued with over petty shallow things that don't even matter to me. I'm just playfully experiencing life and they're taking themselves and all of life waaaay too seriously, to the point where they're not fun to be around.
I don't know if it's bad to be so happy about being a hermit but I am healthier alone than I have ever been. It's incredible being able to exist without all the microaggressions that I hardly noticed until they were gone. If I had realized this sooner, I could have saved myself years of suffering.
I love people. The problem I think is that they sometimes don't know how to love me in a way that is healthy. They can't love me because they don't yet know how to love themselves. I like people at a distance, so that I can adore them without the disappointment of discovering their dark side. Likewise, then I am able to freely be myself without feeling like I need to shrink myself so as not to offend or outshine them or inspire passive aggression in them because I don't fit neatly into whatever box they think I belong in, or because I have a good attitude and they don't like it, or whatever the fuck.
10:48 p.m. - 2020-05-24