Wow feelings suck and they hit me all at once. I shouldn't have let it get to that point. I should have stopped and repeated my needs when he ignored them the first time. But I did everything to make him understand afterward. I can't make him understand if he just doesn't. I already know he's a piece of shit and there's some major things I can't forget or ever fully forgive. So. That's life right.
I deleted his number from everywhere, for the millionth time, knowing he'll eventually text again, possibly tomorrow. I waited all fucking week and risked my life and health to see him and he disappointed me so much. Men suck. I was sooo much happier alone. Of course I am angry I gave that up so now I might have to suffer all over again. But I don't have to. I am not even missing out on anything. Why is it that every time I have the slightest positive feeling for a male, they IMMEDIATELY ALWAYS AND WITHOUT FAIL use THAT moment to stomp on all my hopes that he might be a half decent human being. I can't even criticize myself for not learning the pattern, because I knew what to expect. Because I gave up a long time ago. Because I have been around the block, and some are more sociopathic than others but they're all more or less the same bad joke every time. I'm tired of second chances. I'm tired of repeating repeating repeating myself. And being talked over. Or ignored. Or gaslighted. I'm tired of sexism. I mean, really, really tired.
However, my ex is an angel. He drove across town to deliver edibles to me. Just delivered and left. I knew I married him for a reason. Delivering weed -- then getting the hell out. The perfect man. Ha ha. I'm kidding but also not really. Yes I am aware that's very sad. But have you met men before? If you're a woman, you know.
Happy memories:
a couple months ago when i was alone and happy
Today's affirmation:
I will get through this
Today I will focus on shifting my pattern of:
giving millionth chances. there's an obvious pattern so just stop. it is ok to give up on someone.
I am grateful for:
edibles to survive this night, the cocktail i made myself, my bed, my love for myself
The person I am becoming will experience more:
of the ability to either express myself assertively from the get go or walk away quickly and painlessly
I accomplished:
well... i ate and showered?
I have an opportunity to be my future self today when I:
let it be
When I think about who I am becoming I feel:
exhausted lol. but, i'm obviously still trying to work on myself and hold it together otherwise I wouldn't be writing this.
10:43 p.m. - 2020-06-25