I think I'll write more here because I am grumpy and feeling very trapped even though it is temporary. Trapped in more ways than just quarantine. Trapped as a woman, trapped in this country, worried about whether my bodily rights will be taken away, praying for menopause so I won't live in fear.
I've become extremely aware that women have fewer rights than men. It wasn't male immigrants they did surgery on without consent. They did that only to women. One black male president, but still no women. Not even one. And Breonna Taylor... It's all very clear where we stand. And in my daily life, I see it all the time, every unwanted message, every sexual demand.......
Women on the internet have been a source of support that I am grateful for. On diaryland, my tumblr followers, the discord they invited me to, even though I don't interact much there. All of these strangers who understand me, while in my daily life I am more likely to be communicating solely with men who challenge and oppose me at every opportunity, or just make little comments that I pretend not to hear.
A mom would be nice, but I have a dad. A Goddess would have been nice, but society only told me about a male god. Female friends would be nice but all I have is an inbox full of broken men looking for a place to stick their dicks, and I think my female friends are preoccupied with the same problems, too preoccupied just trying not to go insane to be present in friendship, and I understand. I think I don't let them truly know who I am anyway, and maybe they do the same. I love everyone from such a distance that they probably don't feel loved at all.
I have enough weed to survive maybe two months of cohabitation, but I hope it doesn't go on that long. I liked being totally sober and it was so easy when I was alone, but living with a boy is hard and very frequently annoying. My weed usage has increased to almost once a day, and a strong cocktail once a week or so. I think I have it under control for now, but I do worry that a month more of this might not be the best idea. For now I'm making exceptions and hoping that it's just a temporary solution to cohabitation.
I wish he could find another girlfriend. Is that weird to wish for? It's too much weight to carry. It feels like I am raising a child. I don't even enjoy sex anymore. Maybe I should just tell him to use a dating app or something. Maybe that would hurt his feelings less than saying I don't want this anymore. Maybe it would make me worry less about him. If he was happy I would be happy too.
Well I am off to escape into comedy now. Just gotta wait this thing out. Nothing is forever.
3:37 p.m. - 2020-10-02