I sat in the sunny window with my animal babies this morning. I'm going to make it part of my morning routine to just sit with the sunlight burning through my eyelids. It helps with the winter sads. It's also meditative and feels good. A nice way to start the day.
I listened to a podcast that struck a chord and made me sob so hard last night. It helped me identify something, about the hole in my heart, the hungry ghost, that thinks she'd be "happy if only" the person I love would fulfill any of my needs. It's an addiction fueled by unmet needs. Next time I have a craving for closeness, I need to have replacement actions. Like taking a bath, meditating, burning incense, eating something delicious, texting a friend, creative activity, journaling, nature walk, yoga, etc. And to give myself extra self compassion, and understand that we all feel this way at times and we all seek fulfillment and comfort, and I'm not alone or wrong or pathetic for wanting that because it's normal.
We never find true fulfillment in anyone else, because they too have a hole in their heart that can never be filled. So usually I end up with an even bigger hole in my heart because they scavenge my love like addicts, just trying to find relief for their own hearts. I think that's the problem with love. We all want someone to make us feel better. But when we're all starving we consume each other. It feels nice, until we realize we've been letting someone eat us alive, that we've both been reduced to emotional cannibalism. Then my heart is even more empty than before someone snacked on it, without sharing theirs.
This perpetual state of hunger -- I am done with it. I will nourish and feed myself till I'm ready to pop so I won't crave an unhealthy metaphorical dessert without any nutritional value. It's slow poison that only leaves me tired. Every day, every hour, I must remind myself to shower myself with the love I want, because only I know how I desire to be loved, delicately and with care and appreciation, and depth, and validation. I will sit with myself, I will listen, and I will hold my own hand, unconditionally.
It's like growing my own garden so I won't need to rely on corporate grocery stores who take my money and give me pesticides.
9:31 a.m. - 2020-11-30