Apparently today is Every-Construction-Noise-At-Once Day. Wearing noise canceling headphones over noise canceling earbuds kind of adds to the sense of isolation. Definitely adds dimension to the quarantine experience from 7 am - 5 pm monday through friday. Then after 5 pm my neighbor usually starts yelling on the phone, or his tv is super loud, regardless at that point I have to remember to turn my music up for another hour or so until he calms down.
If I shack up at a man's house I can enjoy silence but then, I'd be living with a man. Apparently I'd rather suffer with excruciating noise all day every day than tolerate the presence of a man. Ha ha. Wow.
Okay enough bitching. Today I'm grateful for:
the glimpse of morning sunlight on my face from through the window while eating homemade deliciousness
my cat's affectionate nose rubs
coffee, always
the three new meals i planned in advance this week in an effort to be excited about food despite depression
that i have plenty of art supplies and no excuses
still alive and healthy-ish
knowing people care even if it doesn't feel like it. i know people would cry if i died.
...Sometimes I think it'd be cool to fake my own death and move somewhere remote. Or without the faked death part, just flee everything at once and let those who disappointed me wrestle with my absence while I start anew. New number, new address, change my name and move. I could say "I'm moving abroad!" and then just go offline forever. I'd go back on maybe, but under a new identity. I wonder what it would be like to relinquish everything familiar forever. To just rip off the band-aid, all at once. New everything.
My great grandpa did that. One day he told his wife and kid he was going to the store and never returned, no note, nothing. He traveled across the country as far away as he could geographically get, took a totally new career, and met my great grandma, who he never left, but she left a big hole in his heart when she died unexpectedly young. Maybe dealing with his bullshit killed her, or maybe it was his karma for abandoning his first family like a total jackass. Anyway fun family story lol.
I may have inherited his desire to just bail. I ghosted a couple friendships before like that, but only because I had gradually become their verbal punching bag and I never said anything, I just blocked them one day and let them guess. I don't regret it. I only regret that they abused my kindness to such a degree that it became necessary to jump ship to save myself because I'd lost respect for them as people and therefore it was no longer salvageable.
It always gets me, how after I put so much effort into having ethics and always trying so hard to make the right decisions and being so gentle with people, how there will still occasionally be people who misread decency as weakness and charge at me like I'm some kind of threat. But all they accomplish is convincing me they're unwell in the head.
I think that about wraps up today's therapy session. I'm going to attempt to busy my hands with some creative activity today and maybe later try out my new yoga block and stretch my back out on the yoga wheel. It might be neat to be able to do back walkovers again by the time pandemic fades.
Btw did you know the annual flu we have today IS the Spanish Flu? I recently learned that. I guess it mutated into something less deadly over time and vaccine reduced it. I thought that was interesting.
8:11 a.m. - 2020-12-01