My ancestors came from A LOT of places around the world, and in many of their stories is a common theme of the lengths people have to go through just in order to live and raise their kids in peace. In times of war and persecution they left cities and hid out in quiet small towns, hiding their mixed minority daughters in convents where they wouldn't be suspect. In times of imperialism they rubbed shoulders with aristocracy -- but as soon as an emperor was executed, they immediately switched to attending picnics with revolutionaries. When granted land they ran a family business, and when a new government took their land away they switched professions into the religion business. A smart move in a Catholic country... They lost their husbands and fathers at wars they had no vote in, changed their names, altered their race on documents, moved whenever necessary to wherever was safest. They were highly adaptable.
I also noticed they were doing lots of interracial marriages during times when it was illegal to do so, although I can't remember anyone ever mentioning hardships around that. We held on to our pride about all our ethnicities. But I did notice non white immigrant ancestors self identifying as "white" probably very much on purpose in order to have better lives, and marrying lighter skinned people every other generation, possibly for the same reason.
There used to be a discriminatory (and very patriarchal) law against indigenous people that said that the father determined the race of the child, and if a non indigenous father recognized his indigenous child and the indigenous mother of his child, then the child was required by law to be taken away from its mother and raised European. That happened to my great grandpa, and my dad told me that my nana told him that her dad broke down and cried about not knowing his real mom, who he was told was dead his whole life. She wasn't dead. At least he was told what tribe and town he was born into, but that's it. Indigenous erasure.
Naturally I get upset when people imply that because I am lighter skinned means I should just say I'm white and not claim any indigenous identity. In essence, that I should erase my indigenous roots, just like was forced on my great grandpa. Indigenous erasure is alive and well. I refuse to forget the woman who primarily raised me, or her father, or his fully indigenous mother. I often wonder what she had to suffer, carrying a pregnancy, hoping for marriage to someone she probably loved and who probably loved her too, but was forbidden by law to have a family together because some idiot politician thought families should be broken up to preserve whiteness.
So here I am, white passing but carrying intense generational trauma, feeling like an imposter in both white and non white worlds, unsure of where I belong and who I can trust. But I'll never be "just white" and no matter how much others want me to just forget my family, I refuse to disrespect my ancestors. How dare anyone ever ask me to choose one over the other -- and don't they realize how racist it sounds that I should give preference to white ancestry while pretending all the rest doesn't exist, solely because my pale olive skin tone can "pass"?
It's overwhelming to realize how many times I've been told that in my life, how normalized this specific type of anti-indigenous racism is. The underlying message no different than 100 years ago. "Be more white!"
But I'm done sweeping parts of myself under the rug for the comfort of inbred idiots. If I'm already white enough to pass, then why do I STILL have to HIDE my background? I am not ashamed to be indigenous. And racists shouldn't project their shame on me. I don't care if it's my great grandpa, or even if was 2000 generations ago, I'm not going to fucking forget the wombs that are the reason I exist, or be like, 'oh, only the white ones count.'
I honestly can't believe anyone thinks that way, but most people do. The times I've dared mention my nana's story out loud people take one look at my skin and think I'm trying to appropriate something that I was born into, indigenous stories drilled into my head by my nana and dad since I was born. But people see what they see. And all they see is skin. And a lot of monoracials for some reason can't understand why mixed people don't want to erase parts of themselves, especially if those mixed people can "pass."
I'm the ultimate insult to whiteness I guess, for being handed privilege and responding with "thanks but you should know the full story." It shouldn't be such a big deal to be honest. I shouldn't feel accused of trying to pretend to be something I'm not when I'm trying to do literally the exact opposite of that. The world wants me to minimize who I am, for THEIR comfort, not for mine. Maybe they didn't love their grandparents. But I did. And denying our heritage would be the ultimate disrespect and slap in the face to the ones who loved me the most and accepted me, even when the world had different ideas about my identity.
8:13 a.m. - 2021-06-17