Stomach problems forever. Going to try to put more effort into addressing my physical health. I'd like to be outdoors but the air quality is worsening. Grateful for my air filter!
I have a friend who keeps complaining about student loans and I don't get why she didn't just get federal aid like I did. Maybe she made too much money to qualify. She shortsightedly chose a 2 year program thinking it'd be easy and quick but she's been paying that loan for almost a decade now, even though she has a very good job at a major tech company plus side gigs, which is a whole lot more than I have. Maybe it's a mental health issue because she has dissociative glitches where she loses entire chunks of memory. I imagine it'd be hard to manage finances if you can't remember what you spent money on. She's constantly complaining about it but it was her choice, and she keeps pushing away anyone who could help.
I guess we all have ways we're intent on fucking ourselves over.
I don't think she does it consciously. I think she lacks the mental capacity in this area to make connections necessary for survival, and it's unfair, because we're all bad at some things, but that doesn't mean we deserve to be swindled. She's naive and needs guidance and assistance, but she's so addicted to sex that it takes priority over all else and then she dumps another guy which disrupts her stability and instantly finds a new one to get her sex fix, and repeats that cycle over and over while her neglected life falls apart. It's frustrating to watch because she can be so sweet and kind and I feel like she deserves better. I hope she overcomes the things that keep her unhappy. I know her life story. She has a lot of childhood trauma to overcome. A lot. I wish I could just squeeze the trauma out of her. Wouldn't that be a wonderful ability?
On the other hand, maybe we shouldn't focus so much on how traumas wrecked us but on the superpowers it gave us. Every trauma comes with superpowers along with the suffering. For example, this friend has a remarkable ability to swiftly cut relationships out of her life. Something I struggle to do, even if I'm miserable in one, I'll stay because my heart doesn't change it's mind easily once it's made up. But her heart was so broken as a kid that she was gifted with the ability to run away, which isn't always a bad thing for a woman!
I have a knack for befriending these runaways. Is it because my brother was a runaway? Or is it because leaving is a skill I'd benefit from adopting sometimes? Am I intrigued by their ability to get what they want and walk away with no remorse? Am I trying to learn how to balance my freeze in place response?
Maybe I was at the time I met them. But in the past couple years I've not been drawn to people like this. I guess I'm the one who walked away this time, I just did it very very slowly and politely and without any hard feelings. I have mastered the art of loving from a distance.
8:26 a.m. - 2021-07-24