Mental health report: I'm not at my personal best. I'm deeply affected by my dad's screaming outburst and it brought up all kinds of uncomfortable memories and I'm resentful at having been used as a receptacle for his undealt with anger because I don't deserve it and now I have to carry his shit as if I didn't already have enough shit and wasn't doing my damndest to just stay afloat as it was. I do this all alone, without a wife to do my dishes and vacuum my home and cook me four square meals a day. I'm not a mentally handicapped man who needs a woman to manage his life. I'm my own woman. Women know how to do things ourselves, like adults.
I'm so disturbed. If you could have heard the words that came out of his voice... The way he yelled them. Like a spoiled little boy having a terrifying tantrum. I don't think he understood what he was saying or even why he was yelling those words. He has completely lost it. It is hard for me to swallow. He sounded like Trump. But he hated Trump? Though it's clear, this is a man who hates himself. Unfortunately that doesn't make it easier to swallow. I really needed to believe that I had at least one sane parent. That illusion has crumbled.
On top of it, he rebelliously refuses to even entertain the idea of getting vaccinated. I've been so delicate to avoid the topic and took care to tiptoe around his temper. But we're pulling all the weight of responsibility on this and testing and masking and at least attempting vaccination mainly to protect him. (We're the ones making the two hour drive every time too but I didn't say that. He didn't let me talk at all.) Everyone else has to make effort but god forbid anyone asks him to chip in. He thinks I'm a hypocrite because of my very very very rare reaction to pfizer, but he didn't even allow me to speak, so I couldn't tell him I'm discussing this with my doctor and want to try j&j which has fewer reported side effects for people with my rare immune issues that generally only affect women, so he has nothing to worry about... But he wants to die I guess, and this is the legacy he wants to leave behind. I can't do anything about that. I feel so bad for him. Even though it's me I should feel bad for, since I am the one he was being abusive toward, and it's caused many many tears and confusion these past few days trying to unpack what triggered such a narcissitic display, so unexpectedly. If felt like opening your front door for your best friend and finding an exploding bomb instead. Surprise!
But I faced my biggest fear. My voice was shaking, but I stayed present. I did the mature thing. I faced my fear. And my worst fear became realized. But I faced it. And I will face it for as long as it takes to realize his anger has nothing to do with me.
10:19 a.m. - 2021-10-11