I woke up thinking about Eitan. He has been calling me nonstop since he arrived back in my city, and he wanted me to go out with him tonight. I had dreamt of it all night. Half dream, half nightmare. That's how my life has been since I met him.
I laid awake in bed for a long time. "Is this who I've become?" I wondered. I started to feel unbelievably sick to my stomach. I got out of bed, but could hardly stand and started to feel very faint so I sat back down. I was shaking. I figured I could handle possibly five more minutes of internal chaos before throwing up. I realized that my body couldn't handle this, let alone my soul. I am still a good woman. I won't let him take that away from me. I just want him to stop calling.
I picked up my phone and did what I should have done a long time ago.
"Hey. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm not going to visit you. It would only lead to one thing, and I don't want that. Bye Eitan."
My statement was so sharp it could have cut glass. And just like that, my nausea disappeared. I could breathe again. It's over.
I picked up the phone and called my husband.
"I love you," I said. "I love you too," he replied.
2:55 p.m. - 2006-09-06