Hey. I did the right thing. So why does it feel so wrong?
I have an awful lot inside me that needs to get out. I've been metaphorically erasing memories of my blissful transgressions by destroying old polaroids using various permanent markers and inks.
Do you know what I'd rather be doing than destroying polaroids? Yeah. But I won't. I'm too stubborn and too proud to go back on my word. And it's a good thing, because otherwise I'd be ...
Well enjoying myself, probably. But it's wrong to enjoy myself, according to predominant morals. I despise morals. But this is what I chose. I made a promise a long time ago to someone I love in a now very complex and completely irreversible way. So now I have to spend the rest of my life fighting urges in order to protect what I love. I don't understand why that should feel so difficult. It feels like I'm being untrue to myself and denying who I am. I guess this is just what happens and we're supposed to accept it. This is hard, but the alternative is harder. So on with the show.
You'll be seeing some quality escapism out of me in the next few weeks, and some very creative channeling of restless energy. Hopefully none of which will result in me lying drunk and/or high in a gutter somewhere.
5:25 a.m. - 2006-09-08