I should know when to take a hint when he lies there unphased while I cry, writing letters to the universe. No hint of 'hey, why are you crying?' nor, 'hey, it's your birthday, don't be sad, I love you.' Or, well, anything. I'd accept anything at this point.
I don't take a hint because he claims he still loves me and tells me to try harder. So I'm trying harder. Harder and harder and harder I try, hoping and waiting and trying and hoping and waiting.
Is it immature of me to feel this is unfair? But why? Why now? Why me, when I worked so hard to guard against this, in us and in myself? I don't know how I can survive this one-way marriage, but I'm trying.
Another put-down today. More yelling. So much ugly he gives me, yet I apologize, anything to appease him. It's a lesson in patience for sure.
Happy 29th birthday to me.
5:39 a.m. - 2009-10-04